i reach a point in this where i am asking myself again why i am doing it. no, that’s not quite right. i’m sitting here feeling like i am giving him more attention than he deserves. so somewhat wrestling with myself. i know the purpose and point of this is to help change my own negative reactions, but the process is to review it all and i find it to be a painful experience.

continuing sooner than expected, i know it will sound odd, but i sense presence. ache is strong. i sigh. still too human to avoid wishing. but instead, knowing it impossible, write.

rainy day, joints and muscles aching, but my mood has been light and content. finally could afford the eye exam. i chuckled for the eye doctor’s tsk’ing of waiting so long. ah, bifocals at last. but seeing clearly is a joy.

today has been a day of introspection, and not just a little melancholy. granted, i blame weird week for most of it… but not all. anyway, item 3 from ‘the list’:

continuing ‘the list’ and examining it for how it reflects challenges i need to address, item 2 of things that were hurtful to me by this other:

wow. morning reading brings yet another reminder that is comfort. it also underscores the recent realization that negative reactions are indicative of inner challenges, not outer ones.

i am not going to give myself time to change my mind about doing this. undertaking this first one immediately.

in relation to the immediately preceding post, this is the list of the things that most hurt me. i admit that i am lightly surprised at how quickly they rise to be listed. i am at once ashamed to be so able to list them and somewhat relieved that i do not shy away from the listing. the process of relating them to myself so as to discover why they hurt will likely take more time and be more difficult. i intend to address each of these as their own topic over the coming days. that said, here is the […]

the words keep flowing to me, a river of confirmation and comfort, also of wisdom and learning. this, found within a favorite sangha, in response to my request for quote about removing oneself from negative situations, rejecting negative people, and that to do so is not a wrong thing:

lingering with the sangha tonight, there was a dharma talk. it hit upon something very close to the bone here. i am thankful.