we came home, i don’t know from where. we were both tired. bone tired, tired like ready to lay down and die. my grandmother was there. she had fallen alseep in the chair. you fell upon the sofa, arm over your eye, face to the back, immediately passed out, asleep. i flopped alongside you. curling in toward, you seeking comfort. head on your chest, listening to the steady beat of your heart. immediate passing into sleep. escape. relief. only we both knew better.

listened to your many voices so many thousand miles away endured your many choices all the things you’d never say

going through old screenshots, emptying the archives, uploading those i wish to keep. i came across one that brought a smile… it was the moment that i knew things were going to be ok, and the moment in which i realized just how great a gift the universe sent to me in Heath.

continuing my work on identifying how items from ‘the list’ of another’s behaviors created negativity in me, why they did, and how i might transmute that to more positive ends, this, a contemplation of item number 6, accusations.

insomnia. bleh. but it turned to a good end. i finally watched a movie given as a gift, one i have been meaning to watch for some time as i enjoy jim carey’s overblown caricatures almost as much as i enjoy his more serious roles. this one, an adaptation of a young adult’s book by an author i’ve never read, with the curious name of ‘Lemony Snitcket’, the title of the book ‘An Series of Unfortunate Events’.

i reach a point in this where i am asking myself again why i am doing it. no, that’s not quite right. i’m sitting here feeling like i am giving him more attention than he deserves. so somewhat wrestling with myself. i know the purpose and point of this is to help change my own negative reactions, but the process is to review it all and i find it to be a painful experience.

continuing sooner than expected, i know it will sound odd, but i sense presence. ache is strong. i sigh. still too human to avoid wishing. but instead, knowing it impossible, write.

rainy day, joints and muscles aching, but my mood has been light and content. finally could afford the eye exam. i chuckled for the eye doctor’s tsk’ing of waiting so long. ah, bifocals at last. but seeing clearly is a joy.

today has been a day of introspection, and not just a little melancholy. granted, i blame weird week for most of it… but not all. anyway, item 3 from ‘the list’:

continuing ‘the list’ and examining it for how it reflects challenges i need to address, item 2 of things that were hurtful to me by this other: