cold water. it is the best remedy i know for terminal foolishness. i got a face full of it tonight. i am thankful. i could say a lot more, but there’s no point to it. upon my soul, i am thankful for cold water.
08-21-06, am
I had this very bizarre dream last night. In it, I was choking to death on something. It was thick in my mouth and throat, too much so to cough up or out. Panic-stricken, I sent fingers to work, and began pulling great, thick gobs of it from me. It was like putty, of that consistency, and was slow to lift from membranes and mouth. But it was removable… This lightened the panic and as it partially opened the breathing path, the frantic nature of things was also lessened. At this point, it became a matter of almost morbid curiosity… […]
08-19-06, am
several weeks ago, my daughter and i had talked and decided to set sundays aside as ‘our day’. strange role reversal, i’d bring my laundry, we’d watch movies, and generally spend time together. i called her just now, to tell her i was on my way over. but she’s at a friends house and they’re about to go get on a yacht for the day. she sounded so happy, bubbly, full of life… i didn’t say anything. just told her i hoped she had a great time, to take pictures, and post them to the web site so i could […]
someday
someday this will be a memory someday there will be no more pain someday i’ll forget the fool i let you made of me someday i’ll once more feel the same someday seems a hopeful word someday is, i think, a gift from time someday to have the edges blurred someday to find again peace of mind someday seems far away i know someday seems to be unkind someday no more this weight to tow someday to leave you far behind someday is not today, it seems someday may not be tomorrow someday lurks behind the scenes someday won’t yet […]
08-18-06, pm
over 1500 emails. more than 300 hours of chat. close to a gig of recordings. i finally had the nerve to get rid of them today. not sure if it is progress or not. maybe. still hard not to write. i content myself with writing and then deleting. baby steps, i suppose. i still cry. the stupidest things remind me. out of nowhere. i have the idiotic wish to share with him that i finally bought furniture. still wanting to hope he’d care for my little victories. it is fairly common now, the automatic push-back, me of myself with regard […]
08-18-06, early am
tonight, i am thinking of my grandmother. the memory was triggered by something i read on one of the e-sanghas i frequent. people paying tribute to those passed, remembering them and expressing their love and gratitude for having known them. i gave my own pitiful memory, though the one of which i spoke there was anything but pitiful. i mean my words are so, for it is never possible to adequately speak about someone who truly made life better for you. my grandmother took myself and my younger sister in when our parents abandoned us. i was three. my sister, […]
08-17-06, am
reading today, a gift from the universe: So although we acknowledge that samsaric existence is suffering, that acknowledgement motivates us to aid all sentient beings that suffer in samsara’s vicious cycle. This is what gives the life of the bodhisattva meaning and value— that altruistic aspiration to free all beings from samsara’s vicious cycle. Pursuit of temporary, self-cherishing samsaric happiness is meaningless and leads to more suffering. By contrast, following the noble eightfold path in order to alleviate the suffering of others brings the lasting happiness of freedom from samsaric rebirth and lasting happiness. to find these words in this […]
08-16-06, early pm
today has been a fairly good day. got a lot done at work. got paid. that’s always nice. heh. whatever was chewing on me over this last week seems to be lightening up a bit. physically and emotionally. i said i was going to buy furniture this payperiod, but have decided instead to save the money and wait. after all, i’ve lived without it these six months, a few more won’t hurt me and its good to get a little bit of a cushion in place. listening to Conjure One today. i think they are my new favorite group. poor […]
08-16-06, early am
once upon a time, not too long ago, i used to wake from a deep sleep and know that someone was reaching out to me. lately, i’ve been waking from a deep sleep and just feeling a dull, throbbing ache. sitting here feeling it now. the tears come because i know what it is. and because i know his pride won’t let him do anything other than this. my friends ask me constantly, ‘you’re not talking to him again, are you?’ no. i’m not. they give me that doubtful look because they know ‘how i am’ and they know about […]
08-15-06, pm
i am going through a phase where i have more than a little doubt about buddhism as i hear it from others. all these traditions, and they are no less contradictory than any other system in the world. it is somewhat disappointing and almost painful. there is still more in this than anything else i’ve ever encountered, but all the rules and requirements seem little more to me than the very illusion and manifestation of samsara that it all seems to warn against… lost in administrivia, it seems. i am disenchanted with some of the forums i’ve been following for […]