sitting here listening to my night-time music mix, most of the songs are from that brief period of life when all things were equally happy. strangely, i don’t miss it. maybe that sounds weird, but i’m beginning to settle into the whole ‘moment’ thing and it’s kind of interesting, the effect. laely, instead of trying to come here and ‘say something’, i’m just letting my mind go where it wants and recording it. ‘thousand years’ spins up now… oh, memory. several layers of memory in this song. some recent, some not so much so. my six month anniversary at work […]

i’m supposed to be sleeping. can’t. sitting here wondering about things i told myself i wasn’t going to think about anymore. but instead of kicking myself or feeling badly, i’m letting it flow. ache is back. strange sense that i’m in parallel at the moment, i’m not the only one thinking about these things. when will i stop counting the days, i wonder. it is odd. the ache remains, but the despair is gone. not sure what that means outside acceptance. i still cry, of course. no one enjoys being utterly rejected, especially after have poured their entire being out […]

addition @ 2:25am (blergh!) – woke up with this weird poem in my head… taking all your fear swallowing it then spewing it over you realise, wake, be cowering, trying to hide my roar follows you you hear it in the night oh weep, oh despair ego and pride you cherish your suffering a treasured thing once you named me baba yaga yes, no, neither, both remembering all sitting in the water you tremble and palsy i am lion-headed, wrathful oh you cannot hide reject the lesson eternity waits as do i as do we all byad-ma, byad-kha provocation given […]

today’s insight and wisdom, courtesy of one whose words i follow closely: It is difficult to generate compassion to those that harm us or those we don’t know. If it were easy we would have been enlightened long ago. Here are some contemplations that might help: Reflect on how the other person in question is basically “just like you”. Like you they want happiness and do not want suffering. In fact, you can even visualize them as “just another you”. Because in fact… they are (since we are all very much interconnected and interdependent and empty of any lasting, independent […]

tonight, i was reading the words of others, speaking on how they ‘became buddhist’. my own becoming initiated some years ago, though i was ignorant of it. the ‘official’ moment occurred as of a result of meeting someone in january of this year who was buddhist and, upon investigation of the traditions and some fairly strange synchronicities, it settled over me like a comfortable cloak that i have delighted ever since to wear. i read some of these accounts, people who are much more learned than i, or so it seems… and i wonder if ever i will be as […]

stomach virus. ick. well, at least now i know. good thing i didn’t go in to work yesterday. i’m sure co-workers would not at all appreciate the contagion. supposedly ok once fever has broken, so maybe tomorrow. meh. of course the fun part is, i still have to go get a perscription refilled, so very likely i’m infecting someone, just not someone i know. sigh. bored to pieces. have slept too much, so wide awake. not much to do at home except re-read a book, tease the kittens, or play the game. restless. none of these seem attractive. cabin fever, […]

ugh. home ill again… something is terribly wrong with my stomach. i cannot figure out if it is stress (where? why?), illness, or just something i ate. can’t lay down without winding up rushing to the bowl. water barely stays down, yet i feel hungry. bleh. not fun. i was ill on friday like this, and have felt like i have a rock in my stomach since then… and now, ill again. i decide if it hasn’t cleared up significantly by payday, then it is to the doctor with me. for now, maalox, water, and maybe in a bit, cereal. […]

thusfar, a pleasant day. i had the opportunity to listen as three co-workers (male) conversed about childbirth. intriguing stuff, this. the first, a father of two, was counseling a younger whose wife is pregnant with their first child. a decision to ‘go natural’ discussed, the elder man was effusive on what a life-changing experience it was, how incredible the sight of it all was, and wryly humorous about the happenings during transition. the third, a young fellow who just bought a house with his fiance, then spoke of how he passed out… twice… just watching a video of childbirth. but […]

for some reason, today i’ve been thinking about something kind of off the wall. sorry, no context will be given, this is just a ramble on the thinking set here for future reference. which is better — that someone enable behavior that results in suffering, or that someone insist on not enabling such behavior? which is better — that someone watch another struggle and say nothing, or that someone point out a means to move through? which is better — that someone accept all cuts from another, or that someone insist that cutting ends? which is better — to suffer […]

it is always good to have a moment of pure, unadultered happiness, laughter, and joy. this one arrived unexpectedly, which makes it all the better. i had to run errands today, pick up groceries, cat food, etc. and, as usual, the trip to the pet store found me indulging all manner of silly impulse buys. something about the thought of kittenish delight sways me every time. they ask so little, give every piece of themselves, and are ever happy to just be. things that are much deserving of indulgence, i think. so, toys. of course. and food. and litter. and […]