reading today, a gift from the universe: So although we acknowledge that samsaric existence is suffering, that acknowledgement motivates us to aid all sentient beings that suffer in samsara’s vicious cycle. This is what gives the life of the bodhisattva meaning and value— that altruistic aspiration to free all beings from samsara’s vicious cycle. Pursuit of temporary, self-cherishing samsaric happiness is meaningless and leads to more suffering. By contrast, following the noble eightfold path in order to alleviate the suffering of others brings the lasting happiness of freedom from samsaric rebirth and lasting happiness.  to find these words in this […]

today has been a fairly good day. got a lot done at work. got paid. that’s always nice. heh. whatever was chewing on me over this last week seems to be lightening up a bit. physically and emotionally. i said i was going to buy furniture this payperiod, but have decided instead to save the money and wait. after all, i’ve lived without it these six months, a few more won’t hurt me and its good to get a little bit of a cushion in place. listening to Conjure One today. i think they are my new favorite group. poor […]

once upon a time, not too long ago, i used to wake from a deep sleep and know that someone was reaching out to me. lately, i’ve been waking from a deep sleep and just feeling a dull, throbbing ache. sitting here feeling it now. the tears come because i know what it is. and because i know his pride won’t let him do anything other than this. my friends ask me constantly, ‘you’re not talking to him again, are you?’ no. i’m not. they give me that doubtful look because they know ‘how i am’ and they know about […]

i am going through a phase where i have more than a little doubt about buddhism as i hear it from others. all these traditions, and they are no less contradictory than any other system in the world. it is somewhat disappointing and almost painful. there is still more in this than anything else i’ve ever encountered, but all the rules and requirements seem little more to me than the very illusion and manifestation of samsara that it all seems to warn against… lost in administrivia, it seems. i am disenchanted with some of the forums i’ve been following for […]

sitting here listening to my night-time music mix, most of the songs are from that brief period of life when all things were equally happy. strangely, i don’t miss it. maybe that sounds weird, but i’m beginning to settle into the whole ‘moment’ thing and it’s kind of interesting, the effect. laely, instead of trying to come here and ‘say something’, i’m just letting my mind go where it wants and recording it. ‘thousand years’ spins up now… oh, memory. several layers of memory in this song. some recent, some not so much so. my six month anniversary at work […]

i’m supposed to be sleeping. can’t. sitting here wondering about things i told myself i wasn’t going to think about anymore. but instead of kicking myself or feeling badly, i’m letting it flow. ache is back. strange sense that i’m in parallel at the moment, i’m not the only one thinking about these things. when will i stop counting the days, i wonder. it is odd. the ache remains, but the despair is gone. not sure what that means outside acceptance. i still cry, of course. no one enjoys being utterly rejected, especially after have poured their entire being out […]

addition @ 2:25am (blergh!) – woke up with this weird poem in my head… taking all your fear swallowing it then spewing it over you realise, wake, be cowering, trying to hide my roar follows you you hear it in the night oh weep, oh despair ego and pride you cherish your suffering a treasured thing once you named me baba yaga yes, no, neither, both remembering all sitting in the water you tremble and palsy i am lion-headed, wrathful oh you cannot hide reject the lesson eternity waits as do i as do we all byad-ma, byad-kha provocation given […]

today’s insight and wisdom, courtesy of one whose words i follow closely: It is difficult to generate compassion to those that harm us or those we don’t know. If it were easy we would have been enlightened long ago. Here are some contemplations that might help: Reflect on how the other person in question is basically “just like you”. Like you they want happiness and do not want suffering. In fact, you can even visualize them as “just another you”. Because in fact… they are (since we are all very much interconnected and interdependent and empty of any lasting, independent […]

tonight, i was reading the words of others, speaking on how they ‘became buddhist’. my own becoming initiated some years ago, though i was ignorant of it. the ‘official’ moment occurred as of a result of meeting someone in january of this year who was buddhist and, upon investigation of the traditions and some fairly strange synchronicities, it settled over me like a comfortable cloak that i have delighted ever since to wear. i read some of these accounts, people who are much more learned than i, or so it seems… and i wonder if ever i will be as […]

stomach virus. ick. well, at least now i know. good thing i didn’t go in to work yesterday. i’m sure co-workers would not at all appreciate the contagion. supposedly ok once fever has broken, so maybe tomorrow. meh. of course the fun part is, i still have to go get a perscription refilled, so very likely i’m infecting someone, just not someone i know. sigh. bored to pieces. have slept too much, so wide awake. not much to do at home except re-read a book, tease the kittens, or play the game. restless. none of these seem attractive. cabin fever, […]