home ill today. been sending up the stomach most of the night. can’t lay down, so no rest. trying to distract myself and hoping the brick in my stomach dissolves sometime soon. in the meantime, reading a favorite Buddhism forum, encountered an unusual thing. preface this by saying it seems a favorite pastime of buddhists to seek out parallels, synchronicities, and analogies. i find it comforting to see, as it is something i find i do as well and maybe i’m not such an alien after all. heh. the unusual thing is the old fairy tale ‘cinderella’ set forth as […]

‘V for Vendetta’ came out on DvD today. of course i snapped it up immediately. made the mistake of watching it again… too soon. the initial viewing had me hyped up and sharing several days of deep thoughts with another. also brought a series of parallel/synchronicities that were, at the time, deeply meaningful and enjoyable to consider. to watch it today was a profound mistake for the reminders it brought and the effect they had. sitting here with the anvil once more strung in my chest, i am angry with myself… i thought i was passed this. i thought it […]

The beauty that you gave has turned upon itself. And all the things you said evaporated. Evaporated… Was I blind, deaf and dumb to the words slipped from your tongue? Honestly…honestly…honestly Alone in my bed, the things that you said go ’round in my head… still. It seems to be true that nothing I do can influence you… I tried and tried again… (Don’t you know that I tried and tried again to make you listen to me but everything I said- it always seemed to go right through you) …to make you notice me… (I turned myself into a […]

early to bed, early to rise, maybe someday, i’ll be more wise. heh. woke up at 4:30am. so much for seeing more than six hours sleep at a time. lingering after effects of circadian rhythm experimentation some years ago, i rarely sleep more than four hours a night. six is a treat. uncertain what today brings. looking at the budget, i am torn… furniture or savings? this is an ongoing debate… and while i choose savings every time thusfar, i’m still without savings to speak of… which seems curious. i admit, i’m repaying (slowly) a loan or two, and monthly […]

an uneventful day, but for the phone interview for a freelance/sideline gig, which went well. it turns out the fellow interviewing is an executive with the company that provides the freelance portal… so instead of a single contract, i am perhaps going to be able to consult long-term across several projects. i smile for the manner in which this arrives, and that it turns into more than expected. i am actually sleepy ‘on time’ for a change, and will likely soon get me to bed. it is good to find my way back to a regular schedule. no more mid-night […]

awake early from a bad dream. it has already faded, nothing but the sick to the stomach, heart thumping, back aching from adrenaline-rush aftermath. sitting here groggy but restless, and weird impulses writhing over one another. i always enjoy the first moments of waking, regardless their cause. there is a strange insanity as the mind works to push back the boundaries between this reality and the multiverse. weird flickerings of almost-lives, memories of things that never happened in this world, all manner of urges set to sublimation. ah, how words trigger thoughts. perhaps i am just that lonely that all […]

today finds me curiously empty. empty in that way i should be, not leaning one side or the other, a middling that is comfortable. the last few days have been tranquil and i am catching up on reading and playing with graphics, doing a little research here and there. the new books on language arrived on saturday. enjoyable. i am cautiously planning a loose-lined course for the next six months. over time, i have become less prone to tight schedules and expectations. finding that life tends to throw curves, i prefer not to count on a particular end. instead, set […]

i think i will be saving these entries for the evenings from now on, as it never quite seems there is enough of interest upon waking to set here (unless of course, thoughts from last night are distilled and ready for pressing to the page). i reserve the write (heh)… day or night… as i might. hah. i’ll stop there. the last few days have been spent in Focus. the swell of it is surprising in its strength. something big, i mean really big, is coming. i’m excited for it. not at all scared. which is nice for a change. […]

never let it be said that the universe does not, in every moment, seek to confirm all things when one is walking the correct path. what doubt was held that this is the case has crumbled slowly of late, and today, is fully dispatched. why? well… i’m glad you asked. as part of on-going study, i partake in and on occasion contribute to several ‘virtual sanghas’. but most often, i simply read them, letting the whispers of the universe find me in the many words of others. today, while perusing one in particular, the following leapt out to me, and, […]

some years ago, i wrote a piece describing an actual event in which my daughter and i, eating a chinese dinner, received two fortune cookies; one containing no fortune (mine) and one containing double fortunes (hers). at the moment, it struck me profoundly not only for the weirdness of the actuality, but as well for what those double fortunes said. the second one she received we determined would ‘be mine’ and upon its reading, a contemplation later that night ensued and i wrote the piece called ‘fortune cookie’, which rests here in the archives. i mention it because tonight, i […]