My daughter texted my husband to let him know that the woman who fostered me in the children’s home died on the 17th. She sent along a link to the funeral home’s memorial page, where I find an unintentionally ironic final validation of the status of myself and other children once more set forth: “…plus many foster children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.” Because of course they never meant it when they said I as going to be a part of their family. Because of course they won’t actually include me anymore. Because of course they will never accept and will keep […]
Playing with Perplexity
Playing with Perplexity is fun. I think I’m going to build a library of conversations in which it demonstrates me back to myself; this is how this autistic brain uses LLM/AI ethically but also how I have traditionally taught myself by rapidly implementing meta-communication that lays down shared track ahead of the actual conversation. I can do this with LLM because LLM doesn’t mandate I adhere to neuronormative protocol, just a logical expression by language that, for the first time in my entire life, is actually getting my syntax and phrasing and everything; it gets my levels in language in […]
Universal Reality – An Ouroboros
In the beginning, there was nothing. No matter, no energy, no space. Just an infinite expanse of possibility. And then, in a burst of creative potential, the universe emerged. The cosmic dance began, with particles and waves swirling together to form the first hints of structure. We don’t know how or why, really; lots of people claim this knowledge, but faith is still blind and science is more about probability than certainty, for all that humans regularly confuse the ‘effective certainty’ of an exponential probability and treat them the same. As the universe evolved, so did its complexity. Matter coalesced […]
Healthcare was fun today. A first.
I had an unexpectedly enjoyable time today, when my ultrasound technician introduced me to her shadowing trainee today. While they did not ask me if I minded or wanted another human involved, it was done so authoritatively that I could easily anticipate it would be an argument to insist upon consent and I didn’t intend to spend more time in the imaging facility than required, thank you. That issue set firmly aside, the remainder was enjoyable because I made them both answer questions about what they could and couldn’t see, thus confirming they didn’t see certain things I was quite […]
Lingua Bingua Suckma Thingma
Heraclitus and Epictetus are my two, favorite, dusty, dead Greek dudes (I like many more, but these two are personal canon favorites). Both were known for their ‘odd’ language use and I choose to believe were of similar perspective, if not neurotype, as me. My man, Heraclitus, had a grip on my concept of paradox as the ultimate herald of any existent, Manifest Truth. Standford’s Encyclopedia of Philosophy as of Dec. 2023 sums it thus: “The exact interpretation of these doctrines is controversial, as is the inference often drawn from this theory that in the world as Heraclitus conceives it […]
Rumination – Psychiatric Therapist Required
I wish I could find a psychiatrist who would just let me tell them my entire life story before getting into “the work”. My life story IS exceptional and in defiance of all neuronormativity, I am, too. But in context, so too may say all humanity. The unique experiences far outweigh the shared ones. I believe, feel, and think that my story can be helpful to others. I just don’t have the brain to write it all. So I guess what I really want is for some psychiatrist to make me a case study and tell the world about how […]
Certifiably certified (CSPO)
As of end of day, yesterday, I am officially a Certified Scrum Product Owner. What does that mean? According to the Scrum Alliance, it means: Earning the CSPO means you have validated scrum knowledge and understand the product owner accountability on a scrum team. Mind, this is the initial certification and there is a path leading to two more, but as this is the entry level certification and I already have over 20 years of experience, I’m not sure how much further I wish to proceed on my own dime. Demonstration of proficiency was the goal and I have accomplished […]
Chapter 1: First Memory
Each of these are going to be prefaced by some manner of contextual information or a view on perspective today, looking back at the moment being rendered to writing. In this case, the literal ‘first memory’ I find in the mental attic. I suppose in a way, this will be both my biography and my memoir. Or just a transient phase, left to dry and drift away on digital winds. Time will tell. I sat in the large, steel, farm kitchen sink with the sun directly in my eyes. Through the window on my left, the gentle, swaying giant oak […]
A pause, a rest in the meadow
You show true loyalty when you remain dedicated to those who are not dedicated to you. Being rejected doesn’t mean you must reject in turn. One may remain loyal even when all others have forsaken. One does.
letter to the monster
Recently, I have thought about the idea of my writing a letter to you. It struck me as unusual for several reasons, not the least of which being that although I have every right to write you the ferociously angry letter I immediately thought of, I never considered doing so as a legitimate way to release the anger I have toward you. Even as I sit here and type, I do not feel that warm flush of anger rising to push the words out of my brain. Very strange, since it is a rare thing indeed to find myself without […]