Looking, but blind, the eyes seek on behalf of the heart; straining, ever reaching until, forlorn and despairing, they shut and close off every chance of lighting upon a beautiful thing. What hope, the loving, before the closed door? What chance, the infinite heart, pouring upon stone? But this is not the view of such loving, of such an infinite heart. Here, deep wisdom and a simple truth that is a pattern, repeating, as infinite as the heart that holds it as treasure. Water does not pour to reach the ocean, nor to wear down stone, nor to fill the […]
Celebrating Me
This is a moment in which I am remembering just how ridiculously good, truly awesome, and generally spiffy I am and what a grand life I lead. In no particular order: – I am fully self-sufficient. – I am genuinely smart. – I am unceasingly caring and kind. – I am compassionate. – I am trustworthy. – I am truthful, always. – I am dependable. – I am ethical. – I am virtuous. – I am thoughtful. – I am mindful. – I am playful. – I am generally peaceful. – I have unbrooked potential in every moment. – I […]
A farewell to the latest avatar of T.M.W.D.E.
The aftermath of any intense experience is always a time for reflection, meditation, and development of understanding for me. Depending upon the type of experience, this happens at different velocity; when I’m sad or sorrowful, it’s almost immediate, same day; when I’m indifferent, it happens very late and is usually very fleeting; but when I have been angered or had anger mix with the feeling of hurt and loss, it usually happens a day or two thereafter. It seems tonight is the night I will finally work through the lingering remnants of hurt, anger, and disappointment in relation to something […]
A rant on superficiality
This is a bit of a rant, courtesy of a friend’s dismay tonight on having her boyfriend of some eight months spring on her “the truth” that he isn’t attracted to her and he wants to break it off. Naturally, he thinks she’s wonderful in every way except “not being attracted to her”. Naturally, he finds this result after eight months quite reasonable. Through tears and sips of merlot, she regaled me with the story. She’s gone home now to snuggle kleenex and shove it all into the box called “it doesn’t matter” until she can believe it is true. Me? […]
halos and horns
Halos and horns, we humans. Always trying to pretend we’ve one and not the other. Always so sure if we just manage to saw off the horns, hide the tail, we’ll somehow, magically become perfect, the best, incapable of doing other than the right things. All the honor and love given to the halo of us, unrealized potential, shining hopes, utopian dreams. While the baser, darker things are shoved into corners, hidden under rugs, pushed into closets, or buried under the weight of denial. Have you ever tried not to think of something once you’ve thought of it? White Rabbit. […]
cotton-headed thoughts
i am sleepy. as is usually the case when so, thoughts leap and flit about like fish in a lake. i think often of those i have loved who are no longer in my life. men, mostly, but not always. many types of love, for all that it seems most people, when hearing the word, cannot bring themselves to look past ruddy eros. i always have…. though it seems most often only to court disappointment, disillusionment, and despair. this said, i am not any of those in this moment. i’m drowsily contemplative. so instead of mourning or moroseness, simply a […]
soaps and strangeness
i dreamt of you. just now. the first time in almost a year. i don’t know why. it doesn’t matter, i suppose. why, that is. in my dream, i was at work. the fellow sitting next to me was a co-worked barely known. he was telling me of a soap the bank was giving to its depositors. i laughed and told him it was so they could feel better about the bath the economy was giving us all. he didn’t get it. i sighed. his story was about they bank had messed up and the soaps they ordered wouldn’t fit […]
unequivocal
remember that wooden structure playground behind the cemetery where Leonard was, [wasn’t it Leonard?] well, i should tell you, someday, of the night when i stayed up all night long scrytching the blood from my eyes, only to take a walk in the pre-dawn cold to the playground, and find that it was no longer there; and find that as the sun rose, i smelt charr and ash, and heat and dust, and to realize that the playground had become hallowed ground in a way i would never [i knew] be able to explain to anyone. i was standing in […]
bamboo garden
as if it didn’t matter at all, laughing at the kitchen counter, severing sinew from bone, making dinner, sacrifice of living things to the hunger. i never knew him such a callous cannibal until i watched as he cheerfully cut that piece of meat, all that was left of what once was a wild and tender thing. i closed my eyes, ducked my head. bit back the scream and waited for the image to pass. i wandered like that for some time; blind and stumbling and happy to be so if it meant i would not again see such gleeful […]