now here’s something interesting and cool, that underscores what i mean when i say ‘all things for a reason’ and ‘all things in their right place’.

had a very odd dream this morning. didn’t think to write it down or record it, so am now left only with snippets and the general theme of it.

general, rambling update time.

picked up a paper this weekend to get the classifieds. as usual, the only section i actually read (other than the ads) are the comics. the ‘dilbert’ strip is one i usually avoid for its cutting, often sarcastic jibes, but today’s read included even this one and the reward was this gem in the final panel:

well. whew. glad that’s done. ladies, don’t let anyone fool you, 40+ hormones are hell. i’m terrified of menopause. in the good news department, i’m not a hipster. (whatever that is.) linking through the livejournals of my friend, P, i run into several of the kids i used to run ‘chat mom’ for at the old INDEX BBS system. they’re all grown up. wowsah. but one of them had this link to this quiz. so ok, i took it. and it tells me i’m not a hipster. hurray.

so afraid of endings that you leave it all behind screaming to think of death ironically ending all the time

quoting me to myself, i’d laugh, but i’m too busy crying: “to see it all and realize this and know it is a choice freely made in every moment.” speaking of choices, specifically, the choice to suffer. i need to remember this and pull it more deeply into me. i need to understand fully why i choose to suffer for him, for the other four, and i need to find a way to choose differently. i do not know how to do so in this moment. so instead, i note this to myself, an underscore of sorts. remember this. speak […]

finally having slept, as usual, i wake in the early hours and am restless. one book of the ‘Crown of Stars’ series is read. i really should use the library instead of the bookstore. the rate at which i devour books is … well, many things, really, but it makes their purchase rather unreasonable, i think.

finally home. today was an exercise in overcoming/breathing through frustration. and possibly accepting that this job is not what is intended for me.

we came home, i don’t know from where. we were both tired. bone tired, tired like ready to lay down and die. my grandmother was there. she had fallen alseep in the chair. you fell upon the sofa, arm over your eye, face to the back, immediately passed out, asleep. i flopped alongside you. curling in toward, you seeking comfort. head on your chest, listening to the steady beat of your heart. immediate passing into sleep. escape. relief. only we both knew better.