i am mildly astonished how peaceful i am in this moment. somewhere in the last two days, i’ve lost the anvil and almost all the related feelings. perhaps it is merely a temporary lull, but i try not to question it too closely. the relief in it is a thing i would prefer to savor a time. stars. am i working my way toward happiness in life? what a concept. (chuckle) last night somewhat of my own effort to closure, a thing that was found last week in the virtual world but was not yet made real in the real […]

home at last. a long day. the morning was an early one, up at 5am to be able to travel cross-town in time to meet her at the surgery center by 7am for pre-op checkup. she arrived with her fella, they hugged in the parking lot and then he was off to work. casually dressed, i noted with a small chuckle the ample shirt. pre-planning. i smiled and we hugged before going inside. the checkup process didn’t take long, and, as expected, her nerves set in at about the time they prepped her with the i.v. — spasm of anxiety […]

well, tomorrow is the ‘big day’ for the daughter. we meet at 7am at the surgery center and by 10am, she’ll be in recovery and very likely in pain. i get to help her into the truck and drive her to her apartment, then sit with her as she rests… see to it that she doesn’t raise her arms, doesn’t roll over, stays elevated, etc. it is going to be a real learning experience for her. i hate that it will be a hard lesson. she’s going to have to return for surgeries every five years until she gets tired […]

woke up this morning feeling refreshed and rejuvenated on many levels. yesterday was something of a watershed day, and things on both personal and professional levels begin to turn to new and better things. i find myself wishing i could talk more about my work here. but it is impossible without speaking to things that i am obligated to keep silent upon until much later. but oh, what enjoyment it is to write for this company and create new worlds and the stories of the people and places contained in it. i feel very blessed indeed to have found this […]

i’ve been thinking about it, and i decide you are wrong. you are wrong to say i’m still that little girl ‘just like you’re that little boy’. i almost let you get away with it. silly of me, really. in every moment, you have been and remain that little boy. self-centered. self-absorbed. all things must be your way or the highway, and anyone who in any way indicates other than whole-hearted acceptance of it is to be ignored, turned from, abandoned. in every instance, you are the first one to cry mercy… yelping like a wounded puppy and insisting you […]

sleep helps. some. i am always angry with myself after breaking down. why should i? undeserved pain. that’s why. but why angry with myself? as if i could control it? as if i could choose? silly rabbit, emotions are not always controllable. i sigh. still angry with myself. trying to learn kindness for myself, but it isn’t easy when i let myself be hoodwinked like i have in this. bleh. more later. will be late for work if i don’t head out now.

i wish it were possible to take back the parts that you give to others. i wish it were possible to undo the last six months. i am tired of fighting with myself and tired of the feeling that even to fight with myself is futile, moot. i am tired of crying. tired of not being able to sleep. tired of not being able to eat. tired of missing someone who obviously could not possibly care less if i were to drop dead. i feel as if i have been used. as if i have spent all my care and […]

a very strange happening tonight. about 11pm, a loud knock on the door. asking ‘who is it?’ i hear, ‘County Police!’ (county name removed for privacy) opening the door after verifying he was, in fact, a policeman, he asks if this is [address] and i confirm it is… he then says, ‘someone here called 911?’ i shook my head. no. i’d not called. he gives me a strange look, ‘someone from this address DID call 911.’ i reiterate that i did not, not only this, i don’t even HAVE a land line. only my cell phone. he asks if anyone […]

the connection remains. it tugs. it aches. i wonder if i am the only one to feel it anymore. i wonder if i was the only one who truly did. or cared to. i keep telling myself that i’m moving forward, moving through, but here, at night, when it is quiet and still, i think about how these moments were once shared, how i could once believe he cared, and even though i know now he never did, i find myself wishing he would lie just a little bit longer. i’d be willing to believe, i always was. insanity. he […]

the Dalai Lama said, “if you are going to be selfish, be wisely selfish – give to others.” everything you give, according to the law of karma, will come back to you multiplied many times. wisely selfish. an intriguing thought. many things occurring in the space this item was encountered in tonight’s reading, and most of them immediately to reject the notion of ‘wise selfishness’ even as the meaning of the above seems obvious and void of the calculation that looks, at face value, to be explicit. one of my favorite personal sayings is a question that works as well […]