I have watched with varying levels of bemusement over the last days as someone has shifted and wriggled around in their self-definitions as a result of recent events. They went from “pretty content” to “pretty happy” to “very happy” as if, somehow, declaring it so makes it so. What I know of this one and their situation tells me clearly this is denial and an attempt to shore themselves up; you know, the whole “say it and make it true” process. I hope they succeed but, given what I’ve seen of the pathology and the contributing circumstances of their life, […]

This is the time of doctors and tests. Bleh. I can’t say I’m a fan, but I suppose it’s required if one wants to keep things together and in good operating order. I’ve got the last batch of visits spread across these last weeks of May and (hopefully) nothing more until this time next year. The sugar counts are not where they should be, and the arthritis is giving me fits and, on top of it all, the flare that occured whilst house hunting has not abated. So… dermatology for the flare and some older issues in need of revisiting […]

in no particular order and half asleep to boot: – may 21st. can’t wait. will, but don’t like it. heh. – new apartment. maybe rental house. will know friday, but definitely moving. excellent! – it didn’t take as much as i thought it might to get over that. hurray! – no, actually, i don’t think i’ll be giving away things you don’t deserve. you want something meaningful from/of me? earn it. – june 8th will be five years since one and two years since another and almost twelve years since the first and you know what? i’ve never felt better. […]

Today is a sulky day. Not me, mind you, the weather. It’s all gray, over-cast, barometric pressure fluxing like a geriatric trying to hula-hoop. I am riding the waves of ache and pain and comforting myself with Ibuprofen and caffiene. Thus far, it is working, so I am content. The semester ends today and finals are in…. I aced the thesis work in both classes, but tanked the formal exam in one. As I’ve said elsewhere, it’s kind of nice to be able to tank a test and still wind up with a high B. (I do not test well, but I’m […]

Tonight is a bit of a wistful thing. I’m not completely sure why, but given today’s reflection on things, it is most likely due to the increasing distance from what was once seen as a hopeful beginning. Meh. I dislike that I remember things far too long and most often, not as they were, but as I wish they had been. The comfort I give myself is that I don’t really cling to them; they are allowed to fade from memory (even if not as quickly as I’d like and almost always with that saudade sense that is bothersome). Overall, […]

There is a period of my life of which I do not speak. While watching something on Netflix tonight, I was reminded. The story was about a kid in foster care and the scene was a conversation wherein the kid had critical information, but wasn’t willing to talk because he just knew it would mean he’d go right back into the system and lose the family he finally had found. The writer’s of this episode got it precisely right. Even as they missed a lot. It’s the little things that make the difference between feeling empathy and actually feeling it. […]

He says that he does not trust me with his feelings. I gave him my trust and feelings to do with as he would after our second date. He did not seem to notice that he had them; they were forever dangling out of his pocket, dragging along the curb and collecting dust and debris. I do not think he ever noticed and he will never know how it feels to have to run alongside, hoping and reaching to retrieve them when he has already decided that it doesn’t even matter if they or I are there. He tells me […]

There are only three reasons for pure silence; disgust, despair, or deceit. A person who is disgusted, be it with themselves or another, will resort to silence as a means of trying to avoid association or to try and save another from association with them. A person who is despairing thinks silence will “be best” for all concerned and assumes the right of choice and control (which is, itself, an act of selfishness and avoidance). A person who is deceitful uses silence in a (futile) attempt to hide; the old “it cannot be proven” saw. Were I to make the […]

“I promise,” He said, reaching out to hold her hand and giving her that soft smile, “I’m not going to vanish.” She sat in the quiet, looking at the box with its neat, careful packing and reminded herself once again that it was foolish to trust words; they were too easily said and too easily forgotten, it seemed. The litany of reminders ran like water through her mind. Of especial soreness was the one wherein she had set forth the pattern, painted it in careful outlines and demonstrating precisely how it unfolded, just so he would know that this was […]