This post is likely going to upset some folk. If you’re prone to jumping to conclusions, knee-jerk reactions, or other methods of getting all “het up” before you know what I’m working toward saying, you may want to skip this one. The recent events in Haiti are horrific. Beyond terrible. Such loss and such lingering tragedy. As strange as it may sound to some reading this, I have spent a number of hours just bawling my eyes out for being one human, lacking in superpower or miracle dispensing ability. Sometimes, life is just heavy on the heart and mind; a […]

You know that game humans play? The one where they regurgitate memory, relive it, and fantasize about doing what they should have, or saying something different, or being more or less reactive? I do not often indulge, but I am doing so tonight. There is a particular event that I’m replaying, reliving, and changing in my head so I can get to the point where it can shrivel up and find its way to the dumpster. As you may know if you know me or followed any one of the various sites that this one now replaces, this is a […]

Were I in any way prone to refuse or avoid the learning of this lesson, ongoing events make it painfully obvious in ways that insure my careful attention. This, an internal conversation after yet another instance of someone trying to foist themselves on me when they know their presence is unwanted.  If I must make a formal complaint, I will. Trying to interact with me? Again? Still? Are you insane or just stupid? Or is it that you think I am? How can you try to talk to me as if you think there is any reason left in life […]

Whew. As in ‘over the crest’ and stars, I am glad of it. Today was an interesting day. I’m in the process of house hunting and the house I thought I was going to fall in love with turned out to be a badly flooded, poorly renovated, and utterly unacceptable thing. I chuckle to myself for the parallels to certain events of days past and smile to feel the band around my chest easing nicely. Tomorrow, another tour of homes and consideration of the question, “Is it possible to find what I want in the given price range?” If I […]

Perspective is a funny thing. This, a statement reiterated of old, is my way to working to come to grips with the inevitable reactions of encountering people I once felt a closeness to in circumstances after the “break” or change. I thought I was over the feeling that they had been so deceitful and selfish. But to sit in the same room, in proximity, and see them laugh and joke and be so utterly unconcerned, unaffected, uncaring when my stomach was hard as rock and memories of how it felt to discover lies where I had trusted and expected truth […]

He said, “I don’t understand why they aren’t beating your door down.” It made me laugh. How many times have I heard this? How many times have I had this conversation? It almost becomes an annoyance; the regularity with which it happens. “Everyone says they want someone like me,” I quip, “But when they find me or meet me, all they can do is shrink, shrivel, and beat feet.” “I don’t believe it,” He almost mutters, “They’re fools.” I find I cannot agree with him, no matter how much my ego wants to soak in that sentiment. “No, they’re not,” […]

A week with a friend, much needed, is drawing to a close. In less than an hour, I drive them to the airport for the flight home. There is a lot swirling in my head that I could put here, but the sense of it all would not be obvious. Said he to me, late night, last night, “I have not been this relaxed in…. well…. years.” It made me smile for many reasons, most of which deal with the reality this is a common theme and I am glad to know my friend finds peace and contentment with me. […]

It is an odd holiday for me this year. Mudita in effect, smiling for the smiles around me, my gifts to others more intangible than is the usual holiday fare. A contribution to a gathering and feast sits, cooling, upon the stove. My visitors of earlier, now departed, still the warmth of the moment remains. I bask in it, replete and content, the evening visitation; a time of tea and tellings, has delighted as only can a well shared moment. Tomorrow, a movie with a friend and then, a drive to the feast. Undoubtedly the phone will ring as much […]

Today is a good day. I shut down a script before it could get by me. :) Instead of chasing it for the next day, into the weekend, and maybe even into next week, it’s nicely boxed up and back on the shelf. Add to this, my very good friend is flying in on the 27th and will be here through the 31st. I’m just tickled to pieces that they’re coming to visit. They’ve been traveling for work the last years and I didn’t realize just how much I missed them (even with email and phone calls) until they casually […]

Between the end of year ruminations, recently set to rest “drama”, and the unexpected flutter of old ghosts, it has been a busy month thusfar. It occurs to me that a good bit of it is less sticky than it might have been, and I count it a “good thing”. Life is steadily becoming a moment to moment experience, rather than a constant and careful archival effort. A bit of a relief, really. Had someone told me in January that I would feel this way in December, I would have laughed long and loud for it. At this moment, mostly […]