like the title says, i’m not. maybe it’s just the culmination of two weeks of rather stressful experiences ranging from fretting over the teeth to someone close to me undergoing a life changing and rather uncomfortable experience to the whole recruiting mucking up my going permanent early situation to feeling rather cut off and alone socially to … meh… tidal surges and full moon weirdness and thoughts of people i care for who obviously don’t give a rat’s ass about me and blah blah blah fucking blah — ie the usual, eh? they say you can change the mind. goodness […]

semaphore, morse, small puffs of smoke communication without sound for distant eyes to one day see finally send rescue

“Not to blame, not to strike, to lived restrained under the law, to be moderate in eating, to sleep and sit alone, and to dwell on the highest thoughts,  – this is the teaching of the Awakened.” – The Dhammaphada, 185 “Men, driven by fear, go to many a refuge, to mountains and forests, to groves and sacred trees. But that is not a safe refuge, that is not the best refuge; a man is not delivered from all pains after having gone to that refuge. He who takes refuge with Buddha, the Law, and the Church; he who, with […]

the following, placed here only for my own learning, is an unsent letter. i write them often and usually do not keep them. this one, i keep because i still need the reminder. also to remind myself that the difference between good people and bad people is often nothing more than how much of what happens in the mind is allowed to manifest as action in the world. also as testament that i’ve just as many horns as ever i had halos… and most people never know how thin the line becomes at times. ——— Remember this? ———————————— On Mon, […]

the span of time that it will take to finally, fully forget how easily you committed the one crime in my world

i’m not grown up enough to be blasé about it. i’m not careless enough to shrug and forget. i’m sure it’s just me and my silly idealism, i’m sure it’s just my own ridiculous belief that is at fault. i never thought these things were ‘bad’ should i be thanking you for showing me this is so? really? as if i’m talking to you. as if i’m talking to anyone but myself. nevermind.

i’ve been on a buddhist binge lately. mandala books and an illustrated dhammapada and thoughts of resurrecting denimbuddha.com and other things. part of me feels like it would do me well to podcast thoughts on the things i read and then, think about. part of me feels like it’s pretty arrogant to think i might have anything worth saying (or hearing) on these topics. part of me realizes that i, like anyone else, has access to the non-dual awareness and practice, even if halting and oh so human, is still worthwhile. i’m a tad conflicted on it. heh. but i’m […]

smile across distance fades to nothingness the secret is finally revealed insomniac dreams upon the back porch cannot afford to wake the wife

well. sunday. a darn good time was had these last few days. i was pleased and happy that i only had a few moments of feeling like i was going to cry when she left. i’m still melancholic, of course. that will likely last a few days. she’s pretty much the only family i have and family has always been a very sore spot here… well, lack thereof. but. enough of that. let’s see. turkey day was a hoot of cooking and eating and goobering around with evyerthing from the cats to playing magic. fairly relaxed, not a lot other […]

it is good to have my daughter here. i wish she lived here. turns out she’s going back two days eariler than expected, which already has me sighing, but i understand. school on monday and she can’t afford to miss classes. bleh. we’ll be hitting da mall today, hilarity and adventure are sure to ensue. i am in a very odd mood today. my mind is behaving like a caffienated monkey on crack. yeah. that’s a good mental image, very accurate. i’m missing people. and i’m melancholy because the one here is leaving tomorrow. isn’t it silly? i should be […]