today i had my appointment with the fellow who makes the partials and such. and a further discussion with the front office on scheduling and pricing and the like. it effectively torpedoed things. as in ‘gee, woman, how did you possibly manage to think this was actually going to work out for you? do you not recall whose life this is?” turns out, the insurance does not cover things at 50-80%. they only cover up to $1000. period. and, of course, the ortho and all require payment at time of services. they presented me with the estimate today. suffice to […]

something really big has happened and it pretty much happened without my particular notice until this moment. the icon of t.m.w.d.e. is gone. like…. gone. to think about it has no effect. wow. i’m not real sure what to make of it. so i’m not going to make anything of it at all. except to say it feels weird. it feels like seeing something in a box and knowing that, once upon a time, it meant so much to you…. but now, it’s just something old and stuck in a box… and you’re not real sure what you needed it […]

well, you know, for something that is pretty much a huge unexpected happening and expense, this is working out rather well. i’ve been in touch with my recruiter and they say ‘no worries, do what you need to, just let us know what it entails and we’ll insure it’s alright with the client’. one of the benefits of having that contract portion prior to full time hire. nice. also turns out that my benefits kick in on the first of october, not november. and the dental covers 80 percent and 100 percent if ‘necessary’ (which this definitely is)! after a […]

well. the tooth couldn’t wait and today found me at the dentist. as usual, things were not only not as they seemed, but far more progressed than i’d like. before i delve into this, allow me to share with you that, of all the genetic blessings i may or may not have received from my mother and father, good teeth were simply not on the list. they are weak. always have been. they chip easily. they crack easily. all the things the dentist always tells you will keep them healthy simply do not work for me. by the time i […]

a really stupid joke i once heard goes: “what time is it when you have to go to the dentist?” (two thirty) i have a tooth that is really bothering me. but what is bothering me even more is that i have neither funds nor insurance to even think about a dental visit. and won’t until november (which is when insurance will kick in). but i don’t think this is going to wait that long. add to this that my general level of self-care (i.e., checkup, dental, etc.) over the last eight years is best classified as ‘none’. never had […]

once upon a time, i met a very unhappy fellow named Dagan. to cover his unhappiness, he had created a rather elaborate mythology for himself; steeped himself in esoterica and mysticism. he lived in a world where everything was an omen, a symbol, a sign. and he was obsessed with ‘mattering’ and ‘making a difference’, but in that odd way of talking about and planning and never quite managing to do. he was going through some pretty harsh times. he used to talk to me about it all and i gave what sympathy and understanding i could. admittedly, it wasn’t […]

i am half asleep. my lids are heavy like cement. it’s a fitful thing, hypnogogia; forcing myself to stay awake until i pass out to keep the unwanted thoughts at bay. i watched frazier. i watched will & grace. i watched a snippet of ‘that 70’s show’ but i couldn’t take it. heh. what thoughts, i bet you’re wondering. what thoughts is she so tired of having that she’s willing to do this? you wouldn’t believe me if i told you. well, ok, maybe one or two of you would. i have this obsession with death and dying. specifically, with […]

when this feeling comes, i don’t ask why anymore. i used to, back in the days when it was easier to pretend i didn’t know and more comfortable to be in denial. funny thing about denial, it’s never really comfortable and by the time you realize it, the relief in removing its barb-wire coil is intense. anyway. i don’t ask why because i know why. and it is ok to feel this way. perfectly fine. it’s a sign of goodness and humanity. i didn’t see it that way at first. but that’s alright, too. i’ve gotten used to the notion […]

i’m standing on a pier, looking over water. i’m uncertain if it is a lake or the ocean. it has sandy beaches and surf, so i’m assuming it’s coastal. an unseen someone is standing to my left. just out of the field of view. somehow, i know that turning to see them will be futile and since i’m enjoying their company, i do not allow myself the indulgence in temptation. we have talked, and while i cannot remember the conversation, i have the sense it was helpful. we are standing now, aftermatch, soaking up companionship in silence, watch the waves […]

the last time i saw you was the first time i saw you was the moment i admitted that i’ve never seen you at all you stood in a social garden, laughing, while angels, behind you wept great, cement tears i didn’t notice them at first, the angels the light from your eyes was too bright and your face, too open but i noticed this time, tonight, and i understood many things about cement tears and the contrasts found between dream and reality, between here and there, between friends and strangers, between you and me once upon a time i […]