sudden urge, indulged. clearing bookmarks in the browser, losing addresses and phone numbers, starting fresh. forgetting those who have forgotten me. differently this time. not angrily. almost happily. hard to explain. bout time, really. that’s all for now.

‘i’ve got a good feeling about this.’ codephrase and keyword for Focus in effect. i’ve never felt it that it hasn’t been spot on and dead to center correct. i got the feeling several days ago when i went to edmonds to interview with the recruiter. it has been with me every since. i told my roomie friday night that i would have an interview by wednesday and start work the following monday. recruiter just called. interview tomorrow at 2pm. right on schedule. the swell is subsiding and in its wake, the usual weariness. but i’m smiling. looking forward to […]

as you know if you read here at all frequently, this is the place where the sticky stuff comes to land so it isn’t running around in my head all the time. that does tend to make it seem as if i am a wholly unhappy, possibly terminally depressed person. but if you ever met me, you know better. there are a number of you who read here and have never met me. so you really don’t know better. and rather than have you think i’m all the above, on occasion, i post one of these to specifically point you […]

here’s an irony for you — my current roomie had a woman come out here to live with him and when she got here, she broke his heart, told him she didn’t love him, and cut out for pennsylvania to live with someone else. he invites me out here because we’re friends and he wanted to help. nothing more. but i think he was a little confused because that wasn’t what he said. what he said was he wanted to see if we clicked as well in person as we did over distance. but i didn’t take it seriously. why […]

i remember when i told you that if you didn’t hear from me at least once a month, i was probably dead. i remember when i felt as if you would care to know i was alive and not dead. less than a month and how things have changed. only four days shy, of course, but it may as well be lifetimes. i said i never knew you found me so disposable, and i wish i had never found out. as usual, you said nothing. i suppose that’s kind of what disposable means, isn’t it? you don’t walk back to […]

i have no idea what to write about tonight. anything i’d think to say feels like redundancy. you ever feel like there’s not been anything truly new in your life in years? it’s silly, isn’t it? i sit here in a new town, contemplating a new phase in life and i feel as if nothing new has happened. idiocy, really. or is it? maybe i’m talking about all the stuff inside my head, most of which hasn’t changed since i was in my teens. how many times must one say a thing before one can do more than say it? […]

today is my 43rd birthday. rather than ramble on the many (yet somehow consistently the same) short list of angsts or melancholies, i thought i would, instead, set to page the lessons i’ve learned thusfar in life. mind you, some of these i’m still assimilating, so i can’t really, officially say i’ve learned them, but since they’re in the pipeline and it’s my birthday (damn it!), i’m claiming them. in no particular order: – i’ve learned that people say many things, but the things they mean are always expressed in actions, not words. – i’ve learned that no matter who […]

random thoughts on a birthday’s eve. no particular order. – i cannot believe i’m this old. – i feel as if a good bit of my life has been wasted or misspent. – i am glad to finally be doing the things i want to do when i want to do them. – i am sad it has taken me this many years to manage it. – i believe my birthday will very likely be forgotten by everyone but myself and perhaps my daughter. – i feel very keenly the absence of lost friends, in this moment, for the sense […]

as is usual when things are tightish, creativity here is sloughed to nil. sure to return, but for now, not much more than dry updates and the occasional spasm over the usual sense of lacking and loneliness. meh. today’s recruiter interview went very well. i am optimistic. submittal going out today, hopefully an interview with the hiring manager early next week. we’ll see. not much more, really. the weather is gorgeous, the drive to the recruiter’s office today was scenic. i am still in love with this part of the country and definitely still feeling jazzed that i’m actually here. […]

i miss it. that feeling of closeness, human contact. hugs. spooning. waking up in the middle of the night and finding someone who would smile for your presence and welcome touch. i miss someone nuzzling into my neck and humming happily. i miss kissing. i miss casual, soft strokes of skin that have no intent but to feel good. i miss the feeling that there is anyone present with whom i might share such things. i miss the feeling that such things are possible without a metric ton of labels to make a mess of them. i miss touch.