long ago, before the stones were kicked from their places in the sacred ring, we spoke of candles and windows, and how we would always leave a small light burning for one another. it was a vow of sorts, the candle in the darkness, if only from afar, the sign by which we would assure one another if ever our paths fell in different directions, if ever we were uncertain of one another’s care. i often wonder if he remembers… or if this too, was twisted into yet another aspersion to sling. it matters not, of course. i would welcome […]

i am drowsy. larger than usual meal and heavy to boot. i feel like a lion under a shade tree in the kalahari. it is making me angry that i cannot keep certain thoughts out of my mind. but i’m practicing acceptance in relation to them. the monks say it works and i really need something that works… so i’m trying. i have decided i am not going to blog any more about lost things. or feelings in relation to it. let’s hope it sticks. i do not like feeling like i am forever too late to life. sigh.

my friend is a good person. my friend is and has been thoughtful, kind, and giving to me. my friend has done what he thought could be done to maintain a friendship with me. regardless my inability to understand why an open friendship was so impossible, and despite my anger over how things turn out and how it makes me feel, it remains that my friend is not a ‘bad person’ nor does he shoulder any ‘blame’ other than what might be held for maintaining secrecy. it would be too simple and frankly, dishonest, to say otherwise. life is never […]

on another topic, though in similar thematic vein as the previous post, these, the evidence(s) of the prosecution in the matter of illusion versus reality. (1) in my illusion, we were friends. in reality, you saw me only as a virtual mistress. the evidence of this rests in your refusal to let the ‘real people’ in your world know of me. (2) in my illusion, you kept up with me because you cared. in reality, you kept up with me only because you felt it was required.  the evidence of this rests in the complete abandonment by you in every venue once the […]

some of you may recall me talking here and there about ‘having handled my own legal affairs for over 20 years’. well, this is the latest adventure in this particular arena. it would seem my previous landlord doesn’t intend to return  my security deposit. so… i’ve sat me down and written him a little letter. actually this is the third letter i’ve ever written him, the other two established salient points now helpful to this circumstance, to wit, that the deposit is refundable, and that the unit was vacated in clean and undamaged condition. in fact, it was cleaner when […]

not a bad day, for a monday. work is settling a bit now that i’m on the help project full time and not having to mess with all the rest (that inevitably puts me in the sights of the co-worker). i cannot help but chuckle at the dogged avoidance she is giving what i’m doing. it’s going to land with a vengeance when i am finished and heading out. in other news…

groggy yet, just woke up. no telling what’s going to come out of my mouth. i am thinking about the ‘have done’ of it all. pretty darn easy to just stop coming by, too busy to really be bothered anyway. as usual, i stew and they blithely move on.

i did something nice for myself today. i took myself to the store and picked up my favorite fragrance. heh. the one that i turn myself on wearing. (chuckle) it’s called amarige and it is by givenchy and when i wear fragrance at all, it is what i wear. and, on whim, whilst in the truck, i decided to snap a shot of myself feeling all confident, strong, sexy, good. i think saying ‘it shows’ would be an understatement. what do you think?

at end of day no words to say giving unspoken promises in close, warm arms with gentle sighs exhaling into sleep

awake at 3am, though this time with reason. roomie making noise as he finally decides to sleep. alas, to bed at 10pm means over the threshold of sleep hours. i am awake for a time. i sit in my room, in the dark with only the light of the monitor to type by. it matters not, i am used to ‘typing blind’ and many times have pecked out or pounded out words without looking…. for various reasons. i will spend my budget of the hour early today, i think. mostly because that is what is in my head. i was […]