heh. i’m sitting at the fast lube getting my state inspection for the truck. unbeknownst to me, they have free internet access. three stations. so… here i am, writing from their counter, overlooking the bay as they are just pulling in my truck.

a good night’s sleep does amazing things for the mind. so does getting back to meditation. i am thinking today of all the reasons i could be angry. i am thinking today of all of the reasons i could be as sad and sorrowful as i was last night. and i am thinking that i choose to be neither. don’t get me wrong. they are here. i feel them. but they are not going to be primary in my mind. why should they be? all things considered, the last thing i could call where i am in this deserved.

this is not a happy video. it is not here for you, those of you who are still here. this is here for me. a reminder. a marker in the field. feel free to skip this one.

i received an email from my friend stating that ‘he was still thinking about it’ and would write more tomorrow. i replied simply that there was no need if he has to think about it, if there cannot be a normal, natural will to openness, it simply is not a thing that can possibly be. it is not worth it to harangue him to be otherwise, nor is it worth it to continue to hope he could be so on his own. and so it goes.

recording available: mindful “The practice of mindfulness requires only that, no matter what you do, you do it with your whole being; investing 100% of yourself into the doing.” – Thich Nhat Hanh it is not an understatement to say this is an area in which i am well grounded. it is also the one area of my life that most people either tell me i should change or express some degree of marveling for.

it’s like the feeling you ahve when you’ve really bruised yourself. sometimes, you forget you’ve done it and you move like you’re used to moving, and you don’t remember until it’s sharp pain and involuntary wince and tears spring to the eyes.

i think it is true that most suffering we endure is rooted in remembering something that was and wishing it still were. memory, eventually, is pain. or perhaps it is what we choose to remember that creates it. i remember when my friend couldn’t wait to talk to me each day. now, they cannot spare the time or be bothered. i remember when my friend cared for how i felt and the notion that i was unhappy pricked them like a thorn and they were attentive to me as a natural expression of that care. now, it is easy for […]

i’m reading Thich Nhat Hanh’s new book The Art of Power. among the many topics and concepts in the book is the notion that power is not a thing you have over others, but over yourself. that in every moment, you have a choice as to what to give power and this applies to every aspect of living in the moment, but more than anything, it applies to what you allow your mind to nurture and nourish. as is usual for buddhist writings, the focus is on learning how to be aware of what you’re doing in the moment you […]

i had an argument with a cherished friend. they have a very bad habit of pretending they don’t know i’m angry or avoiding frank discussion on matters by pretending not to know they need talking about.

big meeting today on the project i’ve been working on. landslide victory. they are oh terribly impressed. even ms. wendy, who has been such a royal bitch. warmed me insides, which was quite needed. now it’s crunch time. between now and august 31st, i have to pull this entire thing out of thin air. i feel…. good. they don’t think it can be done. heh. i love it when that is the case. par for the course and i’m looking forward to seriously wowing them. and then leaving when the contract is done. on the home front, i’m putting this […]