i’m reading Thich Nhat Hanh’s new book The Art of Power. among the many topics and concepts in the book is the notion that power is not a thing you have over others, but over yourself. that in every moment, you have a choice as to what to give power and this applies to every aspect of living in the moment, but more than anything, it applies to what you allow your mind to nurture and nourish. as is usual for buddhist writings, the focus is on learning how to be aware of what you’re doing in the moment you […]

i had an argument with a cherished friend. they have a very bad habit of pretending they don’t know i’m angry or avoiding frank discussion on matters by pretending not to know they need talking about.

big meeting today on the project i’ve been working on. landslide victory. they are oh terribly impressed. even ms. wendy, who has been such a royal bitch. warmed me insides, which was quite needed. now it’s crunch time. between now and august 31st, i have to pull this entire thing out of thin air. i feel…. good. they don’t think it can be done. heh. i love it when that is the case. par for the course and i’m looking forward to seriously wowing them. and then leaving when the contract is done. on the home front, i’m putting this […]

a good number of folk hold that dreams are the means by which the brain ‘deals with’ the events of the day. i believe differently and last night’s dreaming certainly could be either. i was going to write much more. but what point? the crossroads is its own best explanation. i am mad. not annoyed. mad. not the kind that makes me cuss, the kind that makes me cold. catching a lie in my hand is like flipping a light switch in my head. lies are the coin of users and abusers. i am not the one to be used […]

no, i’m sorry, i don’t think it was such a good idea to indulge you. or me. no, i’m sorry, i didn’t expect to always be on the sidelines. no, i’m sorry, i don’t take it well when people are too busy to be bothered with me. no, i don’t take it well when i am reminded just how marginal i am. no, i don’t take it well when i am, forever and ever amen, the last priority. no, i don’t take it well when someone acts like it shouldn’t matter. no, i don’t take it well when someone pretends […]

cyclic, until now. i see the pattern. funny how it is that the only time i truly see it is right before i break it; shatter it, ruin it. there must be some meaning in that which bears thought. some day. skeins undone, loose threads, flapping in the breeze of intent, no more pretending there is good reason. all good reason fled long ago. in the face of secrecy and shame, in the occasional admission of guilt and blame, in the way that, when you aren’t thinking, words like threat, risk, and fear lay in the exchanges; unending worry and […]

in the twilight the still of night soft scrabbling at the portal nocturnally sneak in shadows clandestine no better (rare note: source = image of a lunar moth)

i napped. it was a mistake. i’ll be up late now. and, of course, i’ll be thinking. at the moment i am thinking about the look of love. you know the one; caught betimes in photographs, occasionally seen at distance. the way the eyes crinkle at their corner, the matching softest of smiles, the panes of brow and cheek laying in that way that cannot be defined, but is known when seen. i adore to see it in pictures. it makes me cry when i see it about me in the world. happy tears, but tears all the same. chemical […]

i’ve thought about it (duh) and i think the simple fact is, you do not need me anymore. what need you had was transient, like all things. it was a comfort, to feel needed, even as i told myself it was a thing doomed to pass swiftly. and so it did. for all the excuses, the passing remains as quietly overt as ever. no longer needed. the gap of loneliness or boredom or whatever it was that brought your presence has been filled and i am inexorably pushed to the outer edge. i understand it. hell, i foretold it. i […]