today is the day i am to hear if i am going west or not. that is, it is the day if when i am informed whether or not there is someone looking to change their own life and who would like someone to help with the heavy lifting.
i’ve been sitting here fidgeting since friday. mostly because i feel as if i already know the answer and i’m angry at myself for thinking it will be different than expected.
such is the way of being used to being let down, and the stupidity of having expectations when i know i shouldn’t. sometimes, i can’t help it, though. i need those expectations just to get through the really dark patches.
i need to think someone out there needs me, or wants me around. it gets too heavy otherwise. and it’s been a long time since anyone really needed or wanted me around.
it has occurred to me that hoping to sharing the heavy lifting with someone isn’t quite depending on myself. and i guess this is the point where i have to admit i no longer have faith in myself enough to depend on myself.
everything i’ve set my hand to these last seven years has fallen apart. without exception. every direction has been nothing but a mad dash to yet another precipice. i no longer think myself capable and i suppose that’s the general opinion of the rest of the world — seeing as there don’t seem to be many willing to go shoulder to shoulder.
it has occurred to be to just get on the interstate west, go as far as i can, and when i can’t go any further, to just eek out life there until i can. but even i know there’s a point of destitution that you just don’t recover from… and i am not quite that ready to lose hope just yet.
getting close though, i admit.