yeshes.online

i wish it were possible to take back the parts that you give to others. i wish it were possible to undo the last six months. i am tired of fighting with myself and tired of the feeling that even to fight with myself is futile, moot. i am tired of crying. tired of not being able to sleep. tired of not being able to eat. tired of missing someone who obviously could not possibly care less if i were to drop dead. i feel as if i have been used. as if i have spent all my care and […]

a very strange happening tonight. about 11pm, a loud knock on the door. asking ‘who is it?’ i hear, ‘County Police!’ (county name removed for privacy) opening the door after verifying he was, in fact, a policeman, he asks if this is [address] and i confirm it is… he then says, ‘someone here called 911?’ i shook my head. no. i’d not called. he gives me a strange look, ‘someone from this address DID call 911.’ i reiterate that i did not, not only this, i don’t even HAVE a land line. only my cell phone. he asks if anyone […]

the connection remains. it tugs. it aches. i wonder if i am the only one to feel it anymore. i wonder if i was the only one who truly did. or cared to. i keep telling myself that i’m moving forward, moving through, but here, at night, when it is quiet and still, i think about how these moments were once shared, how i could once believe he cared, and even though i know now he never did, i find myself wishing he would lie just a little bit longer. i’d be willing to believe, i always was. insanity. he […]

the Dalai Lama said, “if you are going to be selfish, be wisely selfish – give to others.” everything you give, according to the law of karma, will come back to you multiplied many times. wisely selfish. an intriguing thought. many things occurring in the space this item was encountered in tonight’s reading, and most of them immediately to reject the notion of ‘wise selfishness’ even as the meaning of the above seems obvious and void of the calculation that looks, at face value, to be explicit. one of my favorite personal sayings is a question that works as well […]

woke up smiling this morning. i can feel myself moving back into balance and things in life overall are shifting and settling into place. in many ways, i am enjoying that things seem to move naturally to tranquility and comfort of spirit. the friends i now find in the virtual world seem almost overtly positive in means and manner, almost as if the universe sends them to me to soothe and be balm for all that arrived before… a gift. new friends arrive in the real world as well, one in particular that is an unexpected delight. we enjoy one […]

finally, it ends. the last vestige of involvement is severed and the closure it brings seems in this moment a giddy thing. i suppose it will seem strange that changes in a virtual world can so clearly affect the real one, but in many ways, the two seemed to ever blend and i have to admit, to at last be fully free from the hateful, spiteful people in both worlds is the true closure i needed. it has been well over three weeks since the ghosts of that virtual world attempted to haunt. i never feared the ghosts of the virtual […]

when does it end? when will i stop thinking about him? when will the ache leave me? i don’t want to think of him. i don’t want to ache for him anymore. i don’t want this anvil in my chest, this empty feeling, this sense of loss. just when i think i’m finally clear of it, something happens to remind me of him and suddenly it is all new again, all fresh again. his disdain. his judgments. his abandonment. his utter rejection. over two months ago, i invited him to a place where we might speak while i was at […]

her surgery is postponed. apparently, she has a light infection that must be dealt with before they are willing to proceed. i am at once relieved and annoyed. there is at least a week now until this is done, if there is no change in determination. but the annoyance rises from the taking of time from work and hassles of making it almost to the place only to receive the call saying it is postponed. i chuckle at myself. part of me annoyed for the delay while the other sings and capers happily for hope it may yet be set […]

i sit here and am surprised that i’m surprised to have a string of good days ‘all in a row’. i chuckle. the perspective is shifting and i am lightly astounded how truly ‘down’ i have been the last months. i look behind, briefly, and the dark cloud hanging there seems amazing to me. my creation, it is much uglier from here than it seemed when i stood under it. i shake my head and wonder at the things i do to myself. having spent some days reiterating ‘things i know’ and need to more than intellectually acknowledge, the effort […]