yeshes.online

i am a very stubborn person. it is, in large part, why i’m still here today. but sometimes, this stubbornness is much more a curse than a blessing. one of the true flaws i hold has its foundation in stubbornness. i am often unwilling to accept that people are as they are, that they can choose to be so, and that no matter how much you hope or want to see them otherwise, sometimes, you just have to accept it is never going to happen. not in this life, anyway. it’s a real sore point for me, because i happen […]

“People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People who really want help may attack you if you help them. Help them anyway. Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the […]

home early today to wait for the cable company to show up and take this box away. they can’t seem to get it installed, and i’ve already missed too much work waiting on them to figure it out… giving up. they can keep it. reckon that television is going to be a really nice dvd player for the time being… (wry grin) in other news, i’ve done something today that has been long, long overdue. i cleaned out my archives. now i suppose at face value, that doesn’t sound like such a big deal. but understand… until this moment, i […]

home earlier than expect, i sit here and ponder ‘life in general’. spoke with Reza today. he and his fiance are safely esconced in an apartment in Philadelphia. he asked when i would come visit. i told him when i could afford the ticket. further discussion found me in something of an inquisition. i don’t think he realises how strapped i am, even with the recent raise (which, alas, doesn’t pan out to much after the increase in taxes. bleh.). it was a strange feeling… to justify my situation. i’m still without furniture but for the frame for the bed. […]

it passes. i am absurdly relieved. for a moment, i contemplate the nature of hormonal change and the reality that, regardless what i would prefer, nature still has entirely too much hold… and sigh. cleaned the apartment today. i think i scared the kittens. so many things strewn about to explore and now, all of it put away. they didn’t quite know what to do with the space. last i checked, they were both sitting quietly in the corner of the living room, curled up together, eyes like owls, blinking slowly. heh. tomorrow, today i suppose, i go to spend […]

ever have one of those days when it seems everything that can possibly go wrong, does? that’s my day today. it began with a fight with my boss over a suggestion made. it continued with a call from my daughter in which it is discovered that a common test has returned abnormal results. of course, she is laid up for at least another week due to the recent surgery, so cannot followup until then. add to this that her insurance carrier is denying her coverage as it seems a previous such test ALSO returned abnormal results and she failed to […]

a reminder i set to myself, words of an old friend, drifting at distance: “so it is that a human soul, once loved deeply, can in absence become a presence as strong as when alive, and all the more mysteriously vibrant for it; and the steady pressure that such an active absence exerts on us to live up to its vision can bring us sometimes to tears, and sometimes to greatness. we have felt this in the inspirations we have gained from our grandfathers and grandmothers, from friends and lovers, from teachers and artists who have passed from our lives…” […]

i am mildly astonished how peaceful i am in this moment. somewhere in the last two days, i’ve lost the anvil and almost all the related feelings. perhaps it is merely a temporary lull, but i try not to question it too closely. the relief in it is a thing i would prefer to savor a time. stars. am i working my way toward happiness in life? what a concept. (chuckle) last night somewhat of my own effort to closure, a thing that was found last week in the virtual world but was not yet made real in the real […]

home at last. a long day. the morning was an early one, up at 5am to be able to travel cross-town in time to meet her at the surgery center by 7am for pre-op checkup. she arrived with her fella, they hugged in the parking lot and then he was off to work. casually dressed, i noted with a small chuckle the ample shirt. pre-planning. i smiled and we hugged before going inside. the checkup process didn’t take long, and, as expected, her nerves set in at about the time they prepped her with the i.v. — spasm of anxiety […]

well, tomorrow is the ‘big day’ for the daughter. we meet at 7am at the surgery center and by 10am, she’ll be in recovery and very likely in pain. i get to help her into the truck and drive her to her apartment, then sit with her as she rests… see to it that she doesn’t raise her arms, doesn’t roll over, stays elevated, etc. it is going to be a real learning experience for her. i hate that it will be a hard lesson. she’s going to have to return for surgeries every five years until she gets tired […]