yeshes.online

just a reminder to myself — thre is a reason for the decision to be ‘done’ and when it comes, neither time nor circumstance can change it. not because time and circumstance cannot change many things, but because when i am finally pushed to the point of being ‘done’, i have accepted that neither will ever change the thing that caused me to realize i must be ‘done’ for my own sake. today, out of the blue, i received a phone call from someone with whom i am ‘done’. rather than convince me to change my mind, the manner of […]

i caught an old, sappy movie on television tonight. it was quaint, cute, funny, and romantic. i always cry at the happy endings. usually because their kind of like what i hope for and (as silly as it may sound), i get lost in them and wind up crying because i’m happy for the happy i see. sometimes, i cry because i wish it would happen to me. bleh. anyway. this one ends with a the woman saying to her fellow, ‘i wanted it to be you. i really wanted it to be you.’ she got her wish, of course. […]

what a wonderful first week. got more done than expected, feel more comfortable than expected, and just all around loving it. i can hardly believe they’re paying me to do this. heh. don’t get me wrong, i know there will be frustrations and arguments and bumps a plenty — no company exists without them — but the culture and environment are such that i don’t expect them to be nearly as toxic as some of the places i’ve encountered along the way. first scheduled preview play day on monday. heh. three hours of gaming with a new set of product. […]

suspicions can eat you alive, but finding out they are true is always worse. chalk up yet another ‘poof’ of someone disappearing when it got down to ‘be the kind of friend you want to have’. thanks for the true colors, mate, even if too late for more than bitter validation. you know the worst part? even when i was screaming at the top of my lungs with anger about it, i was always hoping i’d be proved wrong. wish you could have managed it, but i’m no longer surprised. you shut me out a long time ago…. silly me, […]

usually, when i begin a new contract or position, the first two weeks or so is utter ‘brain drain’. mostly for ramping up and absorbing information, sometimes for having to learn an entirely new industry or set of processes. oddly, this go ’round, it’s only taken two days for the sense of inundation to pass. i’m ‘back to normal’ (i.e., not coming home ‘wiped out’, not collapsing immediately into bed for it, etc). a first. i think perhaps it means i’ve finally found something that allows me to ‘hit on all cylinders’; the perfect combination of industry, technology, and skills […]

wowsah. busy thing, me. can’t talk about any of it. hah. torment! lots to do, lots that is critical, lots of interesting challenges in doing it. still smiling. this is the condensed update. i’m about to head out the door and do not have time for more… and each night this week, i’ve come home and collapsed for either brain drain (saturation/information overload) or arthritis (getting used to walking/standing all day again is… interesting). so, up the aspirin dose, remember to wear the flats, and meditation cycle is being increased (which i needed anyway for practice). i’ve begun to identify […]

well. it has officially come and gone. there are a lot of things i’d like to say, but i can’t. NDA and such, donchaknow. (chuckle) but… i am allowed to show you the front office. so, without further ado… (click through to view)

hah. 7am and i am ready to be there. i don’t have to be there until 9am. i wanna go early! it feels like the first day of school. i’m laughing for my little stacks of books, my socks neatly folded and laid over my shoes by the door, and the feeling that if i walk into the kitchen, breakfast will be waiting. actually, the only thing true there is the stack of books and how i am feeling. i suppose the notion that my roomie might be awake (or have made coffee whilst i was showering) were a little […]

i had hoped to spend some time sharing my excitment over tomorrow with michael. as you can see by the previous post, that didn’t work out. not only this, i finally figure out (duh) that i’m never going to have the kind of friendship with him that i want and need. it’s time to stop pretending, time to stop trying, time to move on. so. i am. but enough of that. i’m excited about tomorrow. more than words can say. i’ve got my little stack of things to take to the office, and i can’t wait to get settled in […]

fuck you. fuck you and your selfish fucking ‘i’m too busy to do more than brush you off’ attitude. i wish i were close enough to slap you into the fucking floor for treating me like a god damned disposable piece of trash. oh yeah, you think so much of me. oh yeah, you care for me. oh yeah, you admire and cherish me. oh yeah, i’m your friend. that’s why you can’t fucking be bothered for more than three sentences in a fucking month. that’s why any time there’s any interaction with you, you just can’t help but be […]