when this feeling comes, i don’t ask why anymore. i used to, back in the days when it was easier to pretend i didn’t know and more comfortable to be in denial. funny thing about denial, it’s never really comfortable and by the time you realize it, the relief in removing its barb-wire coil is intense. anyway. i don’t ask why because i know why. and it is ok to feel this way. perfectly fine. it’s a sign of goodness and humanity. i didn’t see it that way at first. but that’s alright, too. i’ve gotten used to the notion […]
sopopopapopiopolis
he lives in SOPOPOPAPOPIOPOLIS, the city of lost things, old dreams, something like the island of misfit toys, only for grownups who have forgotten the simple pleasures in pursuit of more complex ones…. as if they are different. it’s a sophist’s trap, these ‘adult’ things. ever think about it? oh, we’re far too grown up to enjoy a breeze or the feeling of the sun on our skin, or the crisp, sweet smell of clean sheets at night. too busy thinking of the bills or the promotion or all the things we’re supposed to do and can’t to even notice […]
a recurring dream
i’m standing on a pier, looking over water. i’m uncertain if it is a lake or the ocean. it has sandy beaches and surf, so i’m assuming it’s coastal. an unseen someone is standing to my left. just out of the field of view. somehow, i know that turning to see them will be futile and since i’m enjoying their company, i do not allow myself the indulgence in temptation. we have talked, and while i cannot remember the conversation, i have the sense it was helpful. we are standing now, aftermatch, soaking up companionship in silence, watch the waves […]
aqaraza
the last time i saw you was the first time i saw you was the moment i admitted that i’ve never seen you at all you stood in a social garden, laughing, while angels, behind you wept great, cement tears i didn’t notice them at first, the angels the light from your eyes was too bright and your face, too open but i noticed this time, tonight, and i understood many things about cement tears and the contrasts found between dream and reality, between here and there, between friends and strangers, between you and me once upon a time i […]
contrariness
wouldn’t you know, as soon as i say i have no interest in something, it flips around and proves me wrong. new mandala coming soon as i write the bit that goes with it.
honestly? bored.
i find i am restless and bored. i want to start work. i want to get back to ‘normalcy’. i want to start getting out again. these last few weeks of general confinement have reminded me that, while i’m definitely a ‘homebody’ by the standards of most, there are definitely degress of being so that i am not interested in and living with them now while i wait for work and payroll is wearing on me. grating, actually. gaming is making it worse. hard to explain. i’m tired of the games, really. it’s always the same. same grind, same guild […]
people and their ways
a couple of weeks ago, i had to sell a set of pre-ban ivory statues that have been in my family since shortly after WWII. my grandfather brought them home to my grandmother. he died shortly thereafter of polio. my ‘father’ was only a year old. the story goes that they were unique, even for that time; a japanese man playing harp and a geisha playing lute. very elegant, beautiful figures. i used to stare at them when i was a child and admire the geisha specifically… she looked so beautiful and graceful and i would imagine that a good […]
inspirational
i’m not real sure where this is going to go. i am writing it completely in this moment. i was sitting on the patio, in the twilight, having a clove cigarette, looking at the nearly full moon and just letting thoughts surface and sink. and i had the thought that i’ve spent a good deal of my life giving my love away to everyone around me. then, it occurred to me that i never gave much of it to myself. the ripple from that pebble of a thought is much greater than i thought it might be. i’ve moved inside […]
piddly ramble thingie
it is a lovely day here in seattle. i’m sitting here waiting for my books to arrive. there’s a wee bit of study to do prior to starting the new job, and i intend to draft some preliminary businees requirement layouts for use when i land. in the meantime, my roomie is in the warhammer open beta and i’m getting to dabble with it when he’s not doing so. it’s an interesting game…. the semi-cartoonish look of WoW, but slightly more photorealistic. the textures and animations are not unlike the ones you’ve seen if you played Mythic’s ‘Dark Age of […]
reality check
i think one of the hardest parts of getting older is realizing that there are those who will react differently to you. it’s silly things, things that shouldn’t matter, but they do. tonight, someone popped off with a rather crude ‘male-ism’ in front of me and it was then that i realized – i’m gender neutral to them. when you’ve become ‘one of the guys’, there’s just no way they’ll ever see you as a woman again. simple fact. it bothers me. it bothers me because there’s a whole lotta greatness sitting here and i’m really starting to get tired […]