Content warning: Personal history, likely uninteresting for anyone but me.
Dramatis personae – sister
Content Warning: Abuse, big emotions, family trauma, generational trauma
Dramatis personae – mother
My mother was, I think, a horribly traumatized woman who lacked the self awareness to grasp and regain her agency, autonomy, and lived experience authority. She was far less complicated than my father, but her injuries and lack of supports lead to a life of learned helplessness that I doubt she could have overcome alone. All that said, I know little about her outside what I was told long ago and my own experiences, which admittedly, are biased. My mother was born on May 25, 1947 in Heflin, Alabama. Her father was a music director for a well known, international […]
The practice is the practice (grieving)
The following content is emotionally laden, extemporaneously recorded, and unedited. It discusses deeply personal issues from childhood and presents disturbing or psychologically violent themes and experiences. It is not transcribed for this reason. I am working through my shit and refactoring my being, largely in real time, and this place is my charnel ground… if you’re here to carry something away for nourishment, be welcome and may you find what you most need.
Dramatis personae – father
To say that my relationship with my biological father was complicated would be a massive understatement. But in thinking about it, I realize that I do not know the history that caused my father to be as he was, but for very broad strokes supplied in passing remarks over the years by my grandmother. My mother rarely spoke of him, my grandmother was insistent in her refusal to discuss ‘ugly things’, so there remained no insight nor information. What I do know is sparse. My father was born November 4, 1945 but I do not know where. Nor do I […]
Thoughts of long before this 213th
I had to teach myself how to be ok with the fact that I did not have a mom, a dad, a family. I had to teach myself how to be ok with the fact that I did not (do not) have friends. I had to teach myself how to be ok with the fact that according to the world, I am hard to love and easy to leave. I did it. I did it all. Yes, I now know that I am easy to love and hard to leave. Yes, I now know that my parents could not know […]
Reflection, Midyear Thoughts
(Note: There is additional content in the audio that is NOT in the below as when reading, other thoughts occurred and where thus included, prefaced with ‘editorial addendum’ and an end cap of some few minutes on acknowledging privilege and an intention of keeping those voiceless many included as I can.) I’m watching other humans talking about their journey to autistic diagnosis and/or individual acceptance of autistic identity, but when I attempt to do the same, I find I’m stuck in a rut of needing to actively refactor my herstory and much of that work requires a mind space that […]
Considering ICE and my estranged family
I worry for my daughter and my grand-daughters. Does she, I wonder, realize that she is directly in the cross-hairs of current ICE efforts, alongside her daughters? Her father is Afghani (posing as Indian due to some hush-hush diplomatic status in the 80’s) and she is a citizen thanks to our birthright citizenship, which is a legal status that extends through her to her daughters. Now that this government is using HHS (medical), IRS (tax), and SSA (work) records to track and identify their new definition of ‘illegal’, all three are at risk and I seriously doubt this is even […]
My last words on this (estrangement)
When I look back on our family’s journey, it feels like a series of events that spiraled out of control, leading to a permanent estrangement that is both heartbreaking and deeply painful. When my daughter was 12, I had to let her live with her father for two years while I consulted on the road in an attempt to stabilize our family during the economic hardships of 2000-2001. I promised to have a place for her within two years, which I accomplished. But she “didn’t like” where I was living and rejected me, returning to live with her father. Even […]
The working list – ‘family’
I want to be part of your life. I want to be part of my grand-daughter’s life. I want to have regular contact and communication with each of you. I want to be considered, included, and important in your lives. I want to be cared for the same as any other family member. I want to be allowed to care for and be around each of you. I feel unloved and unwanted. I feel as if you do not want me to be part of your life. I feel as if you only want me around when I can receive […]