this is something that has been on my mind a lot lately.
mostly for the way life and others have been kinder than expected. but also because the universe is sending me chances to be kind and i’m seeing them for a change. that is, i’m seeing them before i’ve managed to fox them.
it’s funny… in a sad, ironic kind of way…
the others to whom it is easiest to be kind often name it unexpected.
the others to whom it is hardest to be kind name it contrived.
the others from whom i most need kindness are the least likely to give it.
the others to whom i would most like to be kind are the least likely to permit it.
and, of course, the ones who are most unkind are so because of me.
i’m starting to learn not to worry about things i cannot change. somewhat.
perhaps i’m starting to learn to be kinder to myself.
i realize how i have suffered for wanting to ‘un do’ the terrible mistakes i have made.
i realize how impossible it is to ‘un do’ things.
i realize trying only makes it worse and those who cannot or will not, they cannot or will not because they choose it.
they. not me.
i cannot choose for them.
only for me.
being kind to myself means accepting this. really accepting it.
i have started. oddly, it gets easier as i go. that’s a kindness itself.
i still think about it, but now it’s more ‘there’s a thought…. but no… it would only be more of the same and that is kind to no one.’ actually, there are a number of questions i ask myself before acting these days. perhaps that is a better thing.
i have always wanted to be kind. most times, i manage it. sometimes, when the edges of my own ancient hurts are touched, i fail. often spectacularly.
but it is not the fault of those who touch them. it is my fault for remembering the ancient hurt is there. and it is my fault for not remembering the one who touched it had no way to know… or, possibly, i kept it facing them so well that it was only a matter of time.
understanding why i do things helps me to learn how not to do them.
undertstanding happens for me in the writing. or the speaking. either work, but i rarely have someone to speak to… so i write.
anyway. there’s tonight’s post-meditation thoughts on being kind.