hah. found some AIs i thought i’d lost. recordings to be transcribed from about september – october 2006. got one done, working on the other now. also found some recordings of less enjoyable moments. not sure what i want to do with them.
tempted to transcribe and archive ‘as per usual’ but part of me, lately, is wondering, “why?”
i was talking with dearling last night about all this. he admits to sometimes being confused about why it still runs around in my head. so i explained it.
i used to repress things. a lot. so much so that i generally wound up being anxiety ridden. over time, i have learned that there is a process for me… ‘how i deal with things’ and ‘how i move through’ and ‘how i let go’.
i suppose you could say it happens in layers. though that is, perhaps, a very odd way to think of it. but it’s valid.
the first layers are anger, betrayal, and the related pain. the thick, syrupy stuff. the stuff that’s explosive, unstable, and unpredictable. it burns off fairly quickly though, unless i don’t let it burn at all. then it just smolders and makes everything worse, uglier.
once that is consumed, there’s the stuff underneath… the more tender stuff… the wishes and ideals and hopes and aspirations… that part that wants to see the best for others, wants to be able to be good for them, wants to be able to be kind and caring. when this stuff gets bruised or injured, or has bled… it is hard to repair. it’s like every strand of knitting skin, every single cell in the process is consumed by trying to figure out ‘what i did wrong’ so i can correct it so that, next time, next person, i don’t do that again.
i spend a lot of time in this layer. mostly because i want to be so very very careful not to repeat the mistake. and part of being careful is really knowing what the mistake was… which isn’t always easy, especially when you only have your own input to go on.
and here and there, i’ll run into a place where the upper layer of anger and pain and such have hidden… blazing up from unexpected places. so then, to ferret it out… let it burn, exhaust it. then return to what i was doing. of course, this means the layers it was hiding in are just that much more damaged… so you can imagine what happens to the whole ‘time frame’ (not that there’s really any time frame, eh? it takes as long as it takes).
under that layer, when i finally get to it, is the place where blunt, bald honesty and regret live. that’s the place i’m in now for all of last year. in this moment, it’s all about a proper grieving and the sense of wistfulness that comes from taking what rightful blame is mine and demarcating very clearly between myself and the other. usually there is a time of reiteration both of my mistakes and theirs. i can learn from theirs, too, if i’m diligent. so it isn’t so much about ‘blaming them’ as it is understanding why they felt they had to be as they were… then, turning that into myself and using it to insure i don’t or won’t be that way with others.
and darn if that anger and pain doesn’t try to hide in here, too. they’re just insidious in some ways. i always feel like it’s just a couple of steps ahead of me… but i’m forever surprised to find it boiling up in flame sheets in my face again. heh. you’d think i’d know by now.
though admittedly most of the anger by this time is over ‘how foolish people can be’, using the generic ‘people’ of which both myself and the other are part of… setting distance and context beyond the immediate on it… boundaries for dissolving it and turning it into nothingness. if that makes sense.
there was a contributor on a mailing list that i felt very strongly was heath. felt very strongly was using verse and rhyme to accuse me once again of those horrible things. and when i saw it, thought that, the anger just whooshed up… and i replied in kind. very pointedly in kind. and when they tried to post more, openly said i was done with the ‘tormented narcissist’ variety of writing.
at which point, they disappeared completely. and that, of course, only shored up my sense of ‘knowing’ i had been right. and i was glad. i wanted him gone. i didn’t want his ugly accusations and weird paranoias and i didn’t want to know how eager he was to think the very worst and most ugly, evil things about me. i was tired of how careless, eager, flippant he was, of how easy it was for him to fabricate such horrid, bizarre scenarios.
recently, realizing i really do not know it was him, it occurred to me that were i wrong, i had been really angry and ugly to someone who simply didn’t deserve it. so i sent along a short apology. not because i felt guilty of it, but because when one does something that one knows could, would, or is hurtful, one should apologize and then, resolve not to do it again, then actually not do it again.
i don’t expect a reply from it. it was just something that i needed to do. it didn’t undo anything, but at least it conveyed that i was aware that i didn’t know one way or the other… and that, even if i was right in my suspicion, it still didn’t make being as ugly and nasty as heath has been in relation to me right, did it?
so anyway. i explained all this to my sweetest heart of hearts… and bless him for the truly compassionate and caring one that he is, he understood. really understood. no ego, no pride, no demands… just acceptance and trust and willingness to believe and know that i am being open and honest in every moment.
even when it isn’t pretty. even when it is hard. especially then, really. because that is when it is most important, i think.
i count myself so very gifted to know him. how tender, kind, accepting he is. i have said more than once that the comparison is mind-bogglingly stark. and i know i shouldn’t compare… master sergeant surely deserves so much more and better than to ever stand by that stranger as if there can possibly be comparison in which his sweetness and compassion, his care and gentleness… as if the act of contrasting the two is not insult to all the wonder and beauty he brings.
but i cannot help it. and in some ways, i’m thankful of it. there is that selfish part of me that needs that contrast so i can more fully appreciate just how amazing and special the master sergeant is… and so i am reminded in every moment to be tender, kind, caring, and compassionate myself… to not make the same choices… to not let the illusion of other , ego, and pride impede.
in very real ways, heath is the best example possible of all the worst things that could happen. and remembering him is to remember how not to repeat that pattern. a great teacher, really. i’m thankful of that too. i suppose it would not seem a very kind thing, but it is, i think, most kind. what greater kindness could there be than to take such ugliness and deliberate cruelty and instead of continuing to be angry for it, make of it instead a lesson? in every way, learning?
so… i remember. for now. and am glad i’ve learned enough to be able to do so without the things that august and september held. to be able to as easily know gratitude to him as i once did hatred for him. and to not have or need to have anything more in relation to any of it ever again.
truly, a blessing.