Shandala’s Lament

“We are bound,” he said to me
his voice, gentle, his touch, tender
in it, all fear of joining, lost
great sigh of relief and thankfulness
its wind stirring hope which
had all but died
fanned it to full and flickering flame
I accepted the truth of his saying
found the delicate knot of it within
cradled in every moment since
deep delight for its presence
a redemption i never thought to know
many clouds have passed over the shared sky
since that instant in which hope rekindled
moments of anger in which we cut one another
limping apart to shudder and weep in
respective corners of our souls
even in the soft splatterings of my bleeding
never did my eye leave him
i watched also the threads of our binding
waiting fearfully for the moment in which
they would at last slip and be undone
tending them as well as
one might hope to manage
pitiful and clumsy, yes, but
trying… oh, so very much trying
for some time now, returned
from those dark corners, we
sit across from one another
the knot of our binding between us
perhaps a vigil of fear
perhaps a vigil of hope
now and again, reaching to touch it
reassurance in its presence
our eyes no longer meet
heaviness yet within our hearts
i speak in slow, soft whispers
he is silent, withholding
i sense the slipping of the threads
and am impotent to repair it
despair, despair,
he refuses to forgive
why? why? an unanswerable question
i remain only to struggle and fall before the
face of utter abandonment, utter silence
feeling all the ways i am no longer permitted
it is all i can do not
to curl into fetal defense
and weep until my soul runs dry
there are only two explanations
either he is unmoved by my pain, my effort
or blind and will never again see
neither bring comfort, for in them
hope gutters and passes
the inevitability of the undoing,
a dark and gibbering thing
already chill winds blow
the giggling of the shadows, increasing
they celebrate my death and
look to his with a fell, hopeful glee
woe and despair, their talons
they descend to feed upon me
enthusiastic rending
i am too weak to rebuff
with my last breath, i speak his name
even as all breath leaves me
Talshalan, Talshalan, i did not forsake you
but without you, am undone

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