i have no idea what to write about tonight. anything i’d think to say feels like redundancy. you ever feel like there’s not been anything truly new in your life in years? it’s silly, isn’t it? i sit here in a new town, contemplating a new phase in life and i feel as if nothing new has happened. idiocy, really. or is it? maybe i’m talking about all the stuff inside my head, most of which hasn’t changed since i was in my teens.
how many times must one say a thing before one can do more than say it? it bugs me.
i don’t want to care about people who lie to me and then disappear anymore. but i still do.
i don’t want to hurt for cracking myself open before them like an egg only to have them cut and run and say nothing… so i have no choice than to think it was me; it was something horribly wrong with me.
i don’t want to get all hopeful and giddy for someone telling me they want me in their life only to have them change their mind once i’ve made the effort to be available and accessible to them.
i’m forty-three years old, damn it. i shouldn’t still be eager as a school girl in relation to anyone.
but i am.
my roomie asked me what i wanted for my birthday. i felt as if i couldn’t ask for anything; that to ask for anything would be imposing on him. it was an awkward, awful feeling.
little buddha girl whispers from the far corner, ‘you know that’s just you. your perspective.’ yeah. right. well seems to my that manner of perspective has been right a hell of a lot more than it’s been wrong over the last years. and maybe, just maybe, that should tell me something important; something that will smother all this idealism and misplaced optimism.
i thought about selling the imac today. if i can’t find work soon. i have a seat-belt ticket from north carolina that has to be paid by the 27th. no idea how the hell i’m going to do it and be damned if i’m asking my roomie for money.
i can’t ask my daughter for help. i wish i could. long story.
and, of course, there’s no one else to turn to. as usual.
hopefully i’ll interview and get this job i stuck on last week. but even so, payroll is first and third fridays so there’s going to be a gap that i don’t quite know how to fill.
meh. i’ll cross that bridge when i get to it, i suppose.
i’m still looking behind me and sighing. i keep telling myself i’m not going to do that anymore. haven’t quite managed it yet.
i’m not quite done crying just yet. i’m not quite done missing. maybe soon.
i feel old. and alone. and a few other things besides that i don’t suppose it’s helpful to talk much about.
maybe next year i’ll forget my birthday like the rest of the world.