my 43rd birthday

today is my 43rd birthday. rather than ramble on the many (yet somehow consistently the same) short list of angsts or melancholies, i thought i would, instead, set to page the lessons i’ve learned thusfar in life.

mind you, some of these i’m still assimilating, so i can’t really, officially say i’ve learned them, but since they’re in the pipeline and it’s my birthday (damn it!), i’m claiming them.

in no particular order:

– i’ve learned that people say many things, but the things they mean are always expressed in actions, not words.

– i’ve learned that no matter who you’re with, you’re still alone in your head.

– i’ve learned that the fastest way to make enemies of friends is to involve money or dependency.

– i’ve learned that most men really can’t ‘just be friends’ with a woman unless they have no attraction to her whatever… and when the latter is true, they don’t want to be friends at all.

– i’ve learned that it’s better to be true to yourself and alone than false to yourself and surrounded by equally false friends.

– i’ve learned that most times, people will encourage you most to do the things they fear doing themselves.

– i’ve learned that people who say “i mean it” usually don’t.

– i’ve learned that i really can do anything i set my mind to — so long as i’m not afraid of the bumps along the way.

– i’ve learned that people who dream about love are usually too busy dreaming about it to embrace it when it’s standing in front of them.

– i’ve learned that loving myself makes finding out others do not love me manageable.

– i’ve learned that home is not a place, not found inside walls, and not about much more than being comfortable and serene wherever you are.

– i’ve learned that most people believe everything they read and no matter how many times you say you’re making a lot of it up, will still prefer to believe what they read.

– i’ve learned that no matter what men say, they all secretly expect to have supermodel girlfriends.

– i’ve learned that most people don’t believe me when i say i don’t care about ‘looks’.

– i’ve learned that most people who say they don’t care about ‘looks’ only said it because they never expected to be called on it. i’ve also learned that most don’t mean it and further, they dislike me when they find out i do mean it.

– i’ve learned that most people are far too hung up on sex to ever manage to just love and be loved in return.

– i’ve learned that several hours spent ‘in nature’ can disperse several years spent in cities.

– i’ve learned that the best way to prove something is not to say it, but to act in accord with it and let the actions speak for themselves.

– i’ve learned that the best cure and help for a bad case of the weepies is a cat with a loud, rumbling purr.

– i’ve learned that being able to hug someone is often just enough to keep me from despair.

– i’ve learned that i’m not going to be able to do everything i wanted to do.

– i’ve learned that it’s ok not to do everything you wanted to do in life.

– i’ve learned that i prefer being outside the spotlight.

– i’ve learned that the only reason people think that i ‘think i’m always right’ is because i am confident in myself even if i’m wrong and it reminds them of their insecurity.

– i’ve learned that no matter how bad things get, they always get better, and no matter how bad things get, i am never defeated until i say i am.

– i’ve learned that my early decision to ignore the existence of all married men was deep wisdom far beyond the ken of my mind in the moment i made it.

– i’ve learned that any married man who claims to want to ‘be your friend’ is looking to have fun with infidelity.

– i’ve learned the best way to insure a married man leaves you alone is to insist upon meeting his wife to make sure she knows about you and that you’re not interested in ‘stealing him’ or in having an affair with him.

– i’ve learned the best way to find out if a married man is lying to you is to tell him you aren’t willing to talk to him anymore unless he allows you to meet his wife.

– i’ve learned that most men who claim to be your friend will disappear the moment it becomes obvious they aren’t going to fuck you.

– i’ve learned that there are men who just want to be your friend and, most times, they’re the ones you wish would be able to see you as more than ‘a sister’.

– i’ve learned to be more selfish, because being caring and giving and kind only seems to draw users and abusers.

– i’ve learned to let myself be angry with those who have lied and cheated and stolen from me; particularly those who have taken or broken intangibles like trust, hope, and love.

– i’ve learned that of all the things i’ve done in life, raising my daughter was one that i know i did right and well.

– i’ve learned that the grass is always browner on the other side of the fence.

– i’ve learned that, more than anything, pride will keep people apart far longer than any of them ever wanted to be apart.

– i’ve learned that my ‘problem’ is that i take life and others and everything much too seriously.

– i’ve learned that the above isn’t ‘a problem’ unless i say it is.

– i’ve learned that it’s ok to laugh just because.

– i’ve learned that i’d rather be alone than miserable with someone.

– i’ve learned that it’s ok to be a hopeful, optimistic, romantic.

– i’ve learned that, no matter what, i am beautiful and good and wonderful just… the way… that i… am.

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