you might say it’s my way of staying sane; particularly with as much as i natter at and nibble on the things that remain here.
i am pleased to say that going to the curb this year, finally, and perhaps sooner than i ever thought, are the last, lingering remnants associated with heath. i find i do not need to think of him anymore, that the brief, flitting thoughts that do occur here and there are mostly of that ‘i’m glad that’s behind me’ sort, and when i think of him at all these days, it is mostly in the light of lessons and parallels — which are perfectly acceptable and not of the variety of things that cause more problems than they solve.
also going to the curb in this year’s ending is my wistfulness for a partner. i had not realized this was the case until i thought about it the other day and realized it does not make me sad anymore. what i feel in relation to it is not sadness, it is resignation. which, honestly, is a relief. one less thing to carry, if you know what i mean.
gone as well are the last shreds of hurt over my father, and joining them in the curbside heap is the last feelings of regret over my mother and sister.
it surprises me slightly how much is said in that last sentence. you have no idea.
i’m not ready to stop thinking of michael just yet. there are things here that need healing and it’s going to take time. so rather than kick myself over it, i’m going to just set it here, admit it, and remind myself that it is ok to not want to let go of what i had hoped for until i can find the way to plug the hole with something other than hurt, anger, and grief. so i’ll work on that and perhaps it will happen quickly.
the thing that makes me smile is that my list of ‘necessary house cleaning’ is really very short this year. the shortest it has been in a very, very, very long time. this realization brings a sense of progress and accomplishment that makes me very happy.
things i want to do more of in the coming year…..
write.
make digital art.
look into getting the digital art into high resolution format for sales/printing.
get back into the habit of going out at least one day each weekend.
see about getting back into going to theater.
investigate that philosophy meetup group i found.
find a local buddhist center/sangha that i can become part of.
visit my good friend “A” (author friend from some years ago who i now live near)
get my passport (finally).
begin contemplating a vacation in europe (london, dublin, athens, and … paris? rome? uncertain.)
commitments i intend to make the coming year include…..
to refuse to give my time or care to people who are not as committed as i am to being in one another’s life.
to put my interests and needs first, and give myself the same degree of thoughtfulness i have been wearing myself out giving to others.
to begin saving up to square the credit fallout from 2001 permanently.
to begin considering what part of Seattle i want to call my permanent home (pre-pre-pre-consideration for house hunting).
2006 was a year of intensive learning, 2007 was a year of change, 2008, i think, was the year of coming home (to myself).
i believe 2009 is the year of fruition.
here’s to hoping your 2009 is filled with good things, helpful circumstance, caring, loving friends, family, and colleagues, and that, in every way, you find more than you hope, less than you fear, and all that you need.
i love you all. truly. (hug)