that quirky little oxymoron is my mantra for the next while.
i have let myself get caught up in looking backward in a way i do not usually permit. it is one thing to write and release something, another to write as the means by which to continue trying to cling to it.
final thoughts on things i have released or am now releasing…
it has been almost three years since i encountered heath. in this moment, i am quite thankful that i do not think of him except deliberately, like this, to celebrate the passage of time, of him, and of all that knowing him entailed.
it has been two years since i encountered rick. in this moment, i am thankful that my tendency to endure others in the name of not being alone was broken by knowing him.
it has been too long since i encountered michael. in this moment, i am thankful that i have remembered how to forget, even if doing so took longer than i feel it should have.
for the first time in a few years, i woke this morning and felt genuinely good about the goodbyes. it’s hard to describe, but it feels like having lost weight, both figuratively and literally. in a way, i suppose it is.
the boundary of appropriateness has finally snapped into place. hah. took long enough… but then, only as long as it needed, i suppose.
the abandonment theme is shattered at long, long last. recognition of an ancient pattern that has been in need of the knowing by me. i celebrate in this moment to see it so clearly. once known, it can be truly released. (there is more i could say about this, but it is pointless…. i find it is one of those things you only get when you get.)
i am enthused and excited about facing forward once again. i am anticipating life without the many boulders of bygones in my pack. i am happy to find the liberation and discover that, like most things in life, the only one who was weighing me down or holding me back was me. i relinquish the rest as the ballast that it is and am smiling to say with certainty that it is flushed, passed out and away, and beyond.
lethe and i are smiling to one another and her waters are cool and refreshing. i had forgotten to remember how to forget, but never forever. i smile.