random thoughts on a birthday’s eve. no particular order.
– i cannot believe i’m this old.
– i feel as if a good bit of my life has been wasted or misspent.
– i am glad to finally be doing the things i want to do when i want to do them.
– i am sad it has taken me this many years to manage it.
– i believe my birthday will very likely be forgotten by everyone but myself and perhaps my daughter.
– i feel very keenly the absence of lost friends, in this moment, for the sense that there is anyone except my daughter who would be happy to know i’ve made it through another year of life.
– i wish i’d never found out how disposable i am to some people.
– i am glad no one can say such a thing as the above about me.
– i am looking forward to severing the last reminder and tie and including on the check “I keep my promises.” because i don’t think i will ever get over the anger of seeing the ones that have been broken.
– this is the last time i will ‘start over’ this life. i am happy for it.
– i’d like to think i will meet someone who will actually want me to be part of their life for the rest of our lives, but i no longer believe it will happen.
– i am deliberately not losing any more weight or getting into better shape because i want to find someone who will love me for who i am and this insures that is the case.
– the thought above this one makes me sad, angry, and depressed, mostly because it is necessary, but also because part of me says ‘fuck *them*’ do it for yourself… and that part of me isn’t big enough to override the rest.
there is so much more, but i suppose it’s all just so much foam on the ocean. meh. anyway. tomorrow i will be forty three. i can remember sitting in fifth grade calculating how old i would be ‘in the year 2000’ and feeling like that number was just impossibly ludicrous; i would never be THAT old.
and here i am, THAT old and EVEN OLDER.
i suppose it beats the alternative. maybe. i mean, we don’t really know what the alternative is, now do we? we just assume. meh. anyway.
i think birthdays are becoming depressing. not sure why. perhaps i’ll write more about it another time.
hope you’re well.