i’ve run head long into a very painful thing. my ‘self’. heh.
but the events around it are decidedly not funny. i’ve actually left a real world sangha over this, and am still wrestling with it. since this is now effectively the only sangha i’m active in… i’m posting here for insight and maybe even a good smack if that’s what is needed.
now. first things first. i completely see that this is MY issue. front, back, and center. i completely see that it is my self-cherishing, my pride, my ego, and my anger that are getting in the way.
with that said, i simply cannot seem to find the way around them. or even through them. and since just embracing them has resulted in nothing but pain, i’m a bit stymied. what to do? i have no idea and no one in that sangha seems interested or willing in handing me a clue (or selling me one for that matter).
the issue itself deals with seeing someone abuse and harm others with harsh words, severe unkindness, and ridicule. the issue is that seeing it, i engaged very precisely to see it end. of course that doesn’t work. and as a result, the only one who has suffered for it is… well… everyone.
me for the foolishness of it. the others there suffering for the ugliness of witnessing it and suffering the splashes of anger and the like all over them. the target dealing the ugliness suffering for a downright vicious barrage of anger and venom coming from me.
the fallout, of course, is just more of the same. the target continues to protest some right to be ‘nasty as they wanna be’, all the while continuing to lash out and hurt others… the others there are now upset, confused, and in some cases, angry themselves at me, at him, etc… and me… well… i’m so angry and disgusted with it all that for a moment this morning, i actually considered giving up on Buddhism.
i’ve calmed enough to know that i cannot remain associated with that sangha. thus, have departed it. this makes the second departure and this time, it is permanent.
and i’ve calmed enough to know that turning from Buddhism (which is in large part the only truth i’ve ever felt and known in my life) is not the answer. for many reasons.
and a few moments ago, i hear from a friend (? — sideline — would a friend tell me this hurtful stuff ?) that now they’re pretty much telling one another i belong in a ‘hall of shame’ and should just be ignored all together.
that, of course, is extremely hurtful (to ‘me’… yes, yes, i know. sheesh.), as the motivation was pure until the moment in which i became angry for how the leaders of the place, who are supposed to be mindful of such things, seemed to be actually supporting the very unkindness that brought the response from me.
(panting lightly) from here, it just gets snarled. yes, i know intellectually that ‘it’s all me’ and yes, i know i should be able to just ‘let it go’ and not be affected by it, and i know there’s all kinds of lessons in it for me, and i know the long list of adjectives that can be applied to it… and likely are all over the place. i even know which moment was the one when i just fell off the cliff into stupidity.
but what i really don’t get is how and why the behavior was even permitted in the first place, especially given the vehement and rather instant reaction when i mirrored it right back at this other. how is it that such ugliness is ok from this other who is no more or less than me, nor i more or less than they…??
if it is condemned and wrong and bad and etc, how is that not universal?
and you know what? i really DO try to treat all others as if they are teacher, lamas, Rinpoches even… but i have to admit, i just don’t see any of these folks as this at this moment… it is just not possible. all i see is hypocrisy and ugliness and two-faced behavior.
and yes, damn it, i see my own being precisely the same. and yes, damn it, i know it’s all the same. at least that’s what my temporal lobes are screaming… but it just isn’t sinking in… and that’s the problem.
so i’m really torn. on the one hand, there’s part of me that says, ‘dang it woman… just freaking DROP IT already and breathe.’ and there’s part of me that is just spinning like a damn top as all the events scroll through my head like an old intermission flick and just piss me off all over again.
🙁
and yes, i do know i need to listen to the first statement and kick the frakking projector off the table… i just haven’t quite gotten to the place where i can manage that just yet and that’s just making me angrier (though with myself).
(panting some more)
you know what? i shouldn’t even post this here. i should just cut it out and post it at my blog instead. and that’s exactly what i’m going to do. hah. so there. at least i can see enough to see this isn’t going to help anyone here either.
hah! maybe i am learning. maybe.
shit. laughter and tears.