i am heavy hearted and angry at once. how many times have i started a post like this? it goes much deeper, of course. more than anyone knows. what do you do when you’re tired of living, but afraid of dying? drag along like a spine shattered idiot and hope something changes? become so embittered and angry that you fulfill your own prophecies? take up drugs or alcohol so you’re so out of it that the pain stops? the terrible part is, i have so many good things in my life. why can i only languish and anguish over the […]

i sit and watch television with my roommate. we see a show in which a beautiful woman turns out to be a killer. she gets away. the credits roll. he watches them, then rewinds to watch them again so he can get her name. look her up online. enjoy looking at her more. i watch this and without him saying a word, i know precisely what he is doing. and it makes me so angry that i think i will explode. or cry. but i do neither. i turn my head to the wall and pretend it doesn’t matter. i […]

I just had utterly casual sex for the first time in 25 years. It wasn’t fulfilling, it wasn’t exciting, and to be utterly blunt, I think a good deal less of the fellow with whom I did this than I thought could be possible. That last part is particularly sad to me because, until today, I had thoughts of possibly trying to build a relationship with him. I am sitting here, less than thirty minutes after his departure, feeling a strange combination of relief and anger. I suspect I am much more settled into ‘singlehood’ than I thought and I’m […]

this is a fairly happy night, but likely not for the reasons you’d think. i have decided tonight, really decided, that i’m not going to date anymore. i suppose, recent events considered, you’d think this is going to turn into yet another bitter, frustrated, angry tirade about life, men, etc. actually, it’s just going to be a relatively short statement of realization…. i know, precisely, what i want and need in and from a man. i know, precisely, within hours of meeting someone, if they are what i want and need. there is no point in dating. anyone who would […]

i am an idiot. i put myself into situations that i know are going to hurt and when they do, i sit around, hugging the pain and wishing it were different. it’s all flash telling. fast, but not fiction. i had something i didn’t want and i knew he would. so what do i do? i offer it. the entire effort, nothing but glass shards. me, holding it out with a smile. him, questioning it; laying steel traps of ill intent around me. me, idiot, grit my teeth and tell him that his fears are his own to manage, not […]

i am sitting here utterly bemused and more than a little frustrated. in an attempt to move through my annoyance with the dating scene and come to grips with the flood of interest i’m feeling in the idea of ‘him’ without any manifestation of ‘him’ that has not immediately been imploded or otherwise blown out of the water, i decided tonight to go play Magic:The Gathering with Alicia and Conor (my roomie’s niece and her husband). i drove in to the shop and only realized once there that it is the one Martin had pointed out to me during one […]

i must admit, despite certain frustrations previously mentioned, overall, i’m enjoying this. the giddy of a new/first meet is delicious. i had forgotten how much i enjoyed the sense of infinite possibilities. i wish i were wise enough to figure out how to make them last. but… tonight, in roughly three hours, another one is encountered. we’ll see how it flow/goes. in other news, i updated the header picture for the blog. karma’s fault. was working from home today and accidentally clicked ‘photobooth’ instead of ‘parallels’ and when it popped up, was all like, ‘ok… why not?’ and spent about […]

after spending several days twisting on the hook of my own wishes in the face of a rather bald reality, this, the final exchange with candidate number two…. a rather definite end of contact. i am really very proud of myself. i did not respond until i knew i was certain i was done and i think i made it exceedingly clear that i am, in fact, done. some context — this individual has been pressuring me for sex. i provided a number of reasons as to why i’m not interested at this time. some of the reasons had the […]