half a day work tomorrow then nothing until the 30th, when i go to have teeth yanked. nothing to do but sit here and think about that or other things i’d rather not. roads are icy, more snow is coming, and it won’t clear out until damn near sunday. everyone is agog at the weather. “we never get this kind of snow here” they all say. meh. the grinch in me grumbles, ‘figures.’ i’ve got movies and merlot. reckon i’ll get toasted and let the girls out to play so that they can keep me busy enough not to notice […]
resolution
the last time i was resolute, it was in relation to being a good friend. to being a good friend to someone who lied to me, pushed, pulled, and prodded at me to cross my boundaries, blamed me when i did so, then used that blame as the reason to end the friendship. proved pretty conclusively that it wasn’t much of a friendship, actually. good lessons, though. very good reinforcement of the reasons why i should maintain those boundaries. lessons that strengthened my resolve; cemented and set it. handy analogy. cement is a strong and stable thing, but if you […]
randomness at 1:19
it has been snowing like the dickens here. roomie calls it ‘abnormal’ as does the weather channel. meh. i was out in it a bit, it isn’t so bad if you don’t mind driving everywhere at 20 miles per hour. pretty quiet week and weekend thusfar. roomie heads to baltimore on the 23rd and doesn’t return until the 29th. work closes on the 24th and doesn’t open until january 5th. i only get paid for the 25 of december and the 1st of january. i’m still pissed that my recruiter borked my direct hire because it’s costing me $2500 over […]
closure, at last
archival. sent in the last week. — When I think about what I want most to say to you, there is an immediate flood of anger and hurt. But if I let that pass over me, I always come back to the same thing. I don’t think you can really hear this from me, so I’m not sure why I keep trying to convey it to you. I keep thinking if I explain and preface and frame it carefully, you’ll somehow be able to hear it. Really hear it. But you never do. You never have. And it makes me […]
archival – about love
i wrote this ‘off the cuff’ over at my myspace page and realized i had not captured it for ‘posterity’ here. heh. so here it is. — You know that old saying about love and setting something free? It goes, “If you love something, set if free, if it is meant to be, it will return to you.” It’s wrong. If you love something, you already admit and accept that it’s free and you love it because it is so, not because you managed to cage it or tie it to your damned ankle. Love isn’t how well something is […]
the annual cleaning and such
i’ve waited later than usual to do the annual attic sweeping this year. mostly because i have been a bit ambivalent about which things i wanted to get rid of and which i do not.if you’ve been reading here long enough, or if you know me well enough, then you know i have an annual ‘review’ of the year, a renewal of my commitments in life, and a general cleaning out of things that i do not need to carry into the next year. you might say it’s my way of staying sane; particularly with as much as i natter […]
things i struggle with…
i struggle with feeling alone or lonely, usually both. i struggle with feeling as if i’m not really welcome, but someone is too nice to say so directly. i struggle with feeling as if i have very few people in the world who genuinely care for me. i struggle with feeling as if everyone i know could, at any moment and for no obvious reason, just leave me behind. i struggle with feeling as if, no matter how smart or good a person i am, there is no man who can or will care for me if i’m not ‘hot’. […]
halos and horns
Halos and horns, we humans. Always trying to pretend we’ve one and not the other. Always so sure if we just manage to saw off the horns, hide the tail, we’ll somehow, magically become perfect, the best, incapable of doing other than the right things. All the honor and love given to the halo of us, unrealized potential, shining hopes, utopian dreams. While the baser, darker things are shoved into corners, hidden under rugs, pushed into closets, or buried under the weight of denial. Have you ever tried not to think of something once you’ve thought of it? White Rabbit. […]
scheduled!
december 30th. they decided to break the treatment plan into two parts, for several reasons (one of which saves me $1000!)… first and foremost, they’re pretty sure that having them all out at once is more than i am up for psychologically. secondly, if they do it in two sessions, i can heal for two to three weeks and return in 2009 with another $1000 max benefit of insurance, which effectively reduces my out of pocket by that amount. can i tell you how awesome is it to have a provider that actually thinks of that on my behalf? karma, […]
biting down on it (teeth update)
well. a pretty big day. the first dental office i went to has neatly separated themselves from ‘the finances’ of it all by pushing people at a finance company and basically saying, ‘we don’t want to hear about it unless you can pay at time of service.’ so i was on the hunt for a new dentist and pretty much back to square one. my roomie referred me to his dentist and i went today for their initial exam. as usual, the phobia kicked in the minute i sat in the chair and humiliated me. i had to explain (they […]