not kicking myself, but mildly miffed that i’m thinking of you. the screams of anger diminish, but all it takes to set them off again is thinking about this silence and how the door slammed. you liar. i think i hate you most because i believed you. not your fault, of course, that was my mistake. same old pattern, repeating, hate you because i love you and you won’t treat me well. it’s not really hate, of course. more like a combination of hurt, anger, wishfulness, and self-loathing for not being able to drop you as easily as you have […]

so alright. i spent most of today enjoying an internal M:TG league at work. friday is always a bit slow, being a half day, and i’m enjoying the xploration of the card game with the folks who actually make them. i come home and bring my deck thinking i’ll have the same kind of fun with my roomie. boy, am i wrong. by the time we finished three games, i’m pissed off and really don’t want to do more than go to my room, close the door, and pretend i’m living alone. what causes this? i’ll tell you what — […]

it’s here. niiiice. 11″ memory foam mattress with another 1.5″ down topper. no sheet in the house will fit it. hah. i’m going to have to buy deeper pocketed sheets. still. happy. though i begin to see that i’m going to have to move after all. just not enough room in this room to have a bed and the desk. cramped is an understatement. but it’s a bit off yet as i need to save up and be prepared rather than skating on the edge doing it. so. for now… living condensed. heh. let’s see, what else to say? work […]

and here i thought it was just monthly angst. i recognize this. it’s nearing end of year. this is time when i take stock of things. renew my commitments. consider what i wanted to accomplish at this time last year, do the review, figure out the ‘ledger’ and then, chuck it all over my shoulder and get back to mindfulness. actually, it’s the time of year that i check myself for honesty. you see, a human naturally moves toward the things they truly want and if i’ve been honest with myself, the goals i set last year should be, if […]

quantum entanglement. more on this concept later.

after the slammed doors and the cold silences, even after the angry snatching away, still, i notice. i notice when the tiny sliver of light appears under the locked door…. i notice when something precious, ripped away, is returned…. i am still thankful. it is a silent thankfulness, knowing as i do all the things lost, all that sits hoarded, behind thick boundary, wrapped in forgetfulness and marked ‘keep away’. i am still thankful. even knowing the gleam of distant presence is not intended for me, not given with me in mind, still, i am thankful. i feel the ache […]

this is an amazing video. enjoy.

i’m awake. instantly laughing because that’s the phrase a buddhist will use to indicate being enlightened and i am surely NOT that. but it is 3:34am and i am not sleeping, so… here, a picture playing with settings in photobooth! i had a dream about pitching an idea to the idea fair at work. i am signed up to do so and they will be video-taping. i have choice of presenting or just talking. guess which i’m going to do? (you should know.) anyway, i dreamt of it. i already know precisely how i’m approaching it. interesting stuff. in other […]

i’m annoyed. i’ve cancelled all my online games for lack of people to actively run around and do things with, also because i’m finding myself increasingly disenchanted with ‘the grind’ and the mandatory hour/time requirement to actually accomplish anything. it’s odd. it never used to bother me before, but it definitely is of late. meh. work was a bear today. two projects i’m involved with are slowly spinning out into the weeds and it doesn’t look like i’m going to be able to help either of them avoid it. both are not ‘my’ projects per se, and both have been […]