creve coeur

i’ve been thinking about you most of the day. angry thoughts. you know the kind, the ones that knit long cerebral video of highly emotionally and vicious ‘get backs’ where the tables are, at long last, turned… and you get to hurt the way you’ve hurt me.

i find it ironic that today brings bloodthirsty thoughts rather than romantic ones. sad, too, of course, but i try to find humor in life when i can, even if decidedly black.

of course it occurs to me that i wouldn’t be hurting if i could just accept that you really are the utterly uncaring fuck that this moment… here… now… proves you to be.

that’s the part that really gets to me. i’m still hurting because i’m not willing to accept you really…. are…. just… that.

i think it must be some odd knot of psychology. (hah. if that doesn’t just fit me to a tee, i do not know what does.)

it’s a damned fact that, were you to show up on my doorstep, tearful and asking forgiveness, i’d tell you to do things that are impossible both physically and chronologically as well as being overt violations of physics.

so, why, precisely, do i still think about you at all? the leading paragraph would imply the need for revenge, but that’s not real. it’s just the stuff you do in your own head to try and make yourself feel better. i could never be like you have been. history proves that point very, very clearly.

it’s a mystery to me. obviously. i don’t think you deserve the kindness of all the benefit of the doubt i keep trying to give to you. and i know you don’t deserve all the horrible things i’ve thought about doing to hand you back in spades the hurt i feel.

but they’re both still here. i suppose it’s all part of the process, really. care until you figure out how not to anymore. hurt until you find the way to not need to anymore. think until you get to the point where you can throw your figurative hands up and declare there’s no more point in it or to it.

i get angry and frustrated with myself that i’m not there. i feel like i should be. i sure wish i was. maybe that’s a good sign. wanting is always the first step to having, dreaming is always the first step to creating.

i’ll comfort myself with that thought for this moment.

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