usually, when i begin a new contract or position, the first two weeks or so is utter ‘brain drain’. mostly for ramping up and absorbing information, sometimes for having to learn an entirely new industry or set of processes. oddly, this go ’round, it’s only taken two days for the sense of inundation to pass. i’m ‘back to normal’ (i.e., not coming home ‘wiped out’, not collapsing immediately into bed for it, etc). a first. i think perhaps it means i’ve finally found something that allows me to ‘hit on all cylinders’; the perfect combination of industry, technology, and skills […]

wowsah. busy thing, me. can’t talk about any of it. hah. torment! lots to do, lots that is critical, lots of interesting challenges in doing it. still smiling. this is the condensed update. i’m about to head out the door and do not have time for more… and each night this week, i’ve come home and collapsed for either brain drain (saturation/information overload) or arthritis (getting used to walking/standing all day again is… interesting). so, up the aspirin dose, remember to wear the flats, and meditation cycle is being increased (which i needed anyway for practice). i’ve begun to identify […]

well. it has officially come and gone. there are a lot of things i’d like to say, but i can’t. NDA and such, donchaknow. (chuckle) but… i am allowed to show you the front office. so, without further ado… (click through to view)

hah. 7am and i am ready to be there. i don’t have to be there until 9am. i wanna go early! it feels like the first day of school. i’m laughing for my little stacks of books, my socks neatly folded and laid over my shoes by the door, and the feeling that if i walk into the kitchen, breakfast will be waiting. actually, the only thing true there is the stack of books and how i am feeling. i suppose the notion that my roomie might be awake (or have made coffee whilst i was showering) were a little […]

i had hoped to spend some time sharing my excitment over tomorrow with michael. as you can see by the previous post, that didn’t work out. not only this, i finally figure out (duh) that i’m never going to have the kind of friendship with him that i want and need. it’s time to stop pretending, time to stop trying, time to move on. so. i am. but enough of that. i’m excited about tomorrow. more than words can say. i’ve got my little stack of things to take to the office, and i can’t wait to get settled in […]

fuck you. fuck you and your selfish fucking ‘i’m too busy to do more than brush you off’ attitude. i wish i were close enough to slap you into the fucking floor for treating me like a god damned disposable piece of trash. oh yeah, you think so much of me. oh yeah, you care for me. oh yeah, you admire and cherish me. oh yeah, i’m your friend. that’s why you can’t fucking be bothered for more than three sentences in a fucking month. that’s why any time there’s any interaction with you, you just can’t help but be […]

(re-posting from Dharmaweb, a darn fine outlet for timely bits. this one i missed, but a beautiful friend re-posted it on her blog, so i wind up not missing it at all! i think that’s wonderful. read on, you will too.) The everyday practice of dzogchen is simply to develop a complete carefree acceptance, an openness to all situations without limit. We should realize openness as the playground of our emotions and relate to people without artificiality, manipulation or strategy. We should experience everything totally, never withdrawing into ourselves as a marmot hides in its hole. This practice releases tremendous […]

it makes me angry with myself that i am so focused on feelings of loneliness that ebb and rise. you should hear the conversations i have with myself. no, on second thought, be thankful you can’t hear them. i wish i didn’t. bleh. most of my life has been spent feeling very disconnected from the world around me. from people. i always feel as if i’m in the way, an imposition, a third wheel. or out of place. you know, square peg person in a round hole world. so when i meet people i really like, that i feel any […]

i’m working on a rather massive move from categories to tags. look soon for a tag cloud and improved search functionality (because if **I** can’t find it here, ***you*** are purely s.o.l.). addenda: hrm. looks like i’m going to have to re-tag everything to boot. bleh. well, patience, eh? it’s in process.

ever notice how being excited about something wears you out? i start my new job on monday and i swear i’m worn out for being excited about it. i suppose it will be a tad anti-climatic, the starting, but thankfully there will be plenty to get up on, learn, and of course, analyze so i’ll have the usual first two or three weeks of ‘brain drain’ (where i come home worn out from being an information sponge). the recent dental adventure has me feeling frustrated for not being able to just ‘do what needs to be done’, but i suppose […]