today is my 43rd birthday. rather than ramble on the many (yet somehow consistently the same) short list of angsts or melancholies, i thought i would, instead, set to page the lessons i’ve learned thusfar in life. mind you, some of these i’m still assimilating, so i can’t really, officially say i’ve learned them, but since they’re in the pipeline and it’s my birthday (damn it!), i’m claiming them. in no particular order: – i’ve learned that people say many things, but the things they mean are always expressed in actions, not words. – i’ve learned that no matter who […]
aging’s eve
random thoughts on a birthday’s eve. no particular order. – i cannot believe i’m this old. – i feel as if a good bit of my life has been wasted or misspent. – i am glad to finally be doing the things i want to do when i want to do them. – i am sad it has taken me this many years to manage it. – i believe my birthday will very likely be forgotten by everyone but myself and perhaps my daughter. – i feel very keenly the absence of lost friends, in this moment, for the sense […]
the obligatory update.
as is usual when things are tightish, creativity here is sloughed to nil. sure to return, but for now, not much more than dry updates and the occasional spasm over the usual sense of lacking and loneliness. meh. today’s recruiter interview went very well. i am optimistic. submittal going out today, hopefully an interview with the hiring manager early next week. we’ll see. not much more, really. the weather is gorgeous, the drive to the recruiter’s office today was scenic. i am still in love with this part of the country and definitely still feeling jazzed that i’m actually here. […]
touch
i miss it. that feeling of closeness, human contact. hugs. spooning. waking up in the middle of the night and finding someone who would smile for your presence and welcome touch. i miss someone nuzzling into my neck and humming happily. i miss kissing. i miss casual, soft strokes of skin that have no intent but to feel good. i miss the feeling that there is anyone present with whom i might share such things. i miss the feeling that such things are possible without a metric ton of labels to make a mess of them. i miss touch.
cookie cutter kamma
here’s a lesson for you — no matter how bad it seems things are, they always improve. so whenever you feel you’re at a low point, smile, because the upswing is just around the corner. heh. this is something i always try to remind myself about, but i admit, i’m not as good at remembering it as i need to be to have a truly peaceful life. i’ve been a bit down in the mouth because it seems i got here just in time to almost have several amazing jobs, but too late to manage to get any of them. […]
when you know, it hurts
humans love their games. even the ones that hurt to play. you know, like how you pretend something isn’t happening until it’s all up in your grille and you can’t pretend anymore. i have a very bad habit of not being done with things until i’ve seen every last shred of possibility die. i saw it today and i wish i hadn’t. i really wish i could be the kind of person who could say ‘i’m done’ and just drop it all into the sea of forgetfulness and remember it no more. i’m not. instead, i’m the kind of person […]
something of an update
well, all the wonderful leads found when i landed here have yet to pan out. they may, they may not. i cannot afford to wait. if i do not have a job landed by this friday, i’ll be heading down to the local grocery or whatnot to snag “a job” to keep my cell and insurance paid, etc. let’s hope i can stand long enough to make a run of it. otherwise, i’m hosed. positive thoughts. positive thoughts! (wry grin) the hardest part about starting over is the whole ground zero part. the nice part about this time is that […]
close to the bone
there are some things in life that you don’t let on are present in your head because they’re soft, tender things that are easily injured and we all know how callous and careless humans can be at times. the phrase used for such things is the title of this piece. i picked it up from someone i once knew and it has come in rather handy since. i think about the things i want to do in this life and in truth, there really aren’t that many. mostly it’s places i want to see rather than things i want to […]
monodialogue
once upon a time, two women sat at a coffee shop, talking. “i completely understand,” said the second woman to the first, “there have been many times in my life when i just wanted to pack up and take off and let the wind take me where it would.” she sipped her latte slowly, the caramel and foam forming a soft mustache that she licked away happily before continuing, “the thing that kept me where i was is probably a silly thing, but it worked for me.” the first woman asked, “what was that?” “the reminder i give myself that […]
velopharynx
she snores. often loudly. sometimes. there’s never any way to know when it will happen, so she always tells whomever sleeps in hearing range that she’s a terrible snorer who snores all the time. she figures the occasional manifestation is easier to take that way. when she told him this, he laughed, ‘how bad can it be? i snore, too!’ and she grimaced mildly. women may or may not compete with one another, but no woman wants to compete with a man in snoring. let alone win. she figured time would be its own judge and she knew from experience […]