Memory of sunflowers and lidded mason jarsMemory of innocently walking from the carMemory of finding out my family was goneMemory of wondering just what I did so wrong Left on the doorstep like a holiday adoptionRight then, this life it’s just such a shit-stained concoctionSlept in a toybox to try and calm down all the frightAwoke in a toybox in the morning’s soft, pale light I was a kid and all I knew was my familySo hard to find out they never really wanted me Tried to bond to other kids, and to house parents, tooBullied and ostracized for differences, […]
Liberation
For the record – you were not abandoned. This is what being abandoned is like: https://www.quora.com/What-does-it-feel-like-to-be-abandoned-by-your-mother Also, you were not emotionally neglected. This is what emotional neglect is like: https://www.xojane.com/it-happened-to-me/emoionally-absent-mother You were wanted. You were cared for. You were loved. Significant effort, care, and time were devoted to you from the day of your birth right up until February 15th of 2018. Was I perfect? Far from it. Did I get it right, all the time? Hardly. Was there room for improvement, learning, and compromise? Always. Did I ever tell you I was sorry I had you… or that I […]
My almost family; my almost mother
The hardest part for me was sitting there, driving you back from Yelm to the airport; I was listening as you told me all the many ways that the entire time you were at [children’s home], all you ever really wanted was something else, somewhere else; that you were only there because David wanted it. It was an unexpected clarity, to be sure; but it was also a very painful thing for me to hear. You see, all those years that you weren’t wanting to be there? You were my newest and best mother; the mother I never had, the […]
letter to the monster
Recently, I have thought about the idea of my writing a letter to you. It struck me as unusual for several reasons, not the least of which being that although I have every right to write you the ferociously angry letter I immediately thought of, I never considered doing so as a legitimate way to release the anger I have toward you. Even as I sit here and type, I do not feel that warm flush of anger rising to push the words out of my brain. Very strange, since it is a rare thing indeed to find myself without […]