present (drishta dharma sukha vihari)

thunder in the morning, but only in my head.

i loved you before we met
after we parted
there is no difference
still… ever
i loved you for being me
for the me-ness in you
for the them-ness as well
all being one
i love the form of you
which is formless
and it comforts me that
i find you everywhere
and nowhere
cloud, dirt, wind, tear
the same
i do not want you forever
i have you forever
and you, me
why weep for illusion
where there is only ending
history is now
future is now
love is now
i am learning
how to be happy
by remembering
i already am

the nature of what is we often occlude by our own wishes for it to be otherwise. we look for something other than what is as if it can exist in the now, as if this is possible.

we look at ‘the past’ and ache for things that no longer exist. we look and hurt or hunger for things we ‘lost’… as if all things are not lost, eventually.

we look at ‘the future’ and ache for things we hope will exist. we look and hurt or hunger for things we ‘need’… as if all things of now are somehow irrelevant or imperfect or we are insatiable.

everything you ever need in any moment is with you. when you think to doubt it, examine what you have… list it if you need to… ask yourself the difference between want and need and you will see this is a true thing.

the last seven years have been a lesson and i am a very stubborn student. my every need is met and so it has been for the last seven years. even as i have cursed and wept and sworn all along for the things i want and do not have. a petulant child, lower lip thrust out and eyes swollen, insisting ‘what is’ is the lie and pretending ‘what is not’ could be and should be.

my needs are very, very few, really. and met. i am happy here, in the present. and for this moment, can see many things… most of which it will do no good to try and convey.

my wants clamor from the corner and i am laughing. such hyper, angry, foolish things! but the ground is slippery and i am clumsy… soon enough i will forget again… but perhaps not… or perhaps not for long… or perhaps not at all. i do not know and it does not matter. hah. look, i pinch that want on the tender, fleshy parts and it scuttles back to the corner. heh.

prajnaparamita and thinking of apranihita. a short remembrance… ‘abandon all hope of fruition’.

today is a beautiful day. i am glad to be here. i love you.

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