woke up smiling this morning. i can feel myself moving back into balance and things in life overall are shifting and settling into place. in many ways, i am enjoying that things seem to move naturally to tranquility and comfort of spirit. the friends i now find in the virtual world seem almost overtly positive in means and manner, almost as if the universe sends them to me to soothe and be balm for all that arrived before… a gift. new friends arrive in the real world as well, one in particular that is an unexpected delight. we enjoy one […]

finally, it ends. the last vestige of involvement is severed and the closure it brings seems in this moment a giddy thing. i suppose it will seem strange that changes in a virtual world can so clearly affect the real one, but in many ways, the two seemed to ever blend and i have to admit, to at last be fully free from the hateful, spiteful people in both worlds is the true closure i needed. it has been well over three weeks since the ghosts of that virtual world attempted to haunt. i never feared the ghosts of the virtual […]

when does it end? when will i stop thinking about him? when will the ache leave me? i don’t want to think of him. i don’t want to ache for him anymore. i don’t want this anvil in my chest, this empty feeling, this sense of loss. just when i think i’m finally clear of it, something happens to remind me of him and suddenly it is all new again, all fresh again. his disdain. his judgments. his abandonment. his utter rejection. over two months ago, i invited him to a place where we might speak while i was at […]

her surgery is postponed. apparently, she has a light infection that must be dealt with before they are willing to proceed. i am at once relieved and annoyed. there is at least a week now until this is done, if there is no change in determination. but the annoyance rises from the taking of time from work and hassles of making it almost to the place only to receive the call saying it is postponed. i chuckle at myself. part of me annoyed for the delay while the other sings and capers happily for hope it may yet be set […]

i sit here and am surprised that i’m surprised to have a string of good days ‘all in a row’. i chuckle. the perspective is shifting and i am lightly astounded how truly ‘down’ i have been the last months. i look behind, briefly, and the dark cloud hanging there seems amazing to me. my creation, it is much uglier from here than it seemed when i stood under it. i shake my head and wonder at the things i do to myself. having spent some days reiterating ‘things i know’ and need to more than intellectually acknowledge, the effort […]

today is a better day for many reasons, and yet a pensive day for two. today is the birthday of a friend who used to be a lover and is soon to become a stranger. i have, for this last month, tried to tell myself that you just don’t throw away an eight year relationship. eight years. a friend for six, more for two, and now… it is as if i never really knew them. today is their birthday. this last month has been little more than guilt trips and passive-aggressive accusations by email. occasionally by phone. it’s true, you […]

two birthdays coming up over the next seven days… the first, on the 8th, of someone who is slowly drifting from friendship to disdain… a pensive thing, but seemingly unchangeable without an act i am unwilling to perform. the second, on the 11th, of someone who is slowly drifting from possibility to impossibility… which is almost as pensive, but for the fact that they are so precious a presence in my life that all but outright abandonment will be endured of them. my own birthday arrives in august. needless to say, i have absolutely no intention of telling anyone when […]

for some years, i have worked to see the 1951 classic ‘Cyrano de Bergerac’ starring Jose Ferrar moved to DvD. for years, i have had the movie on VHS (even though i no longer own a television, nor even a VHS player). when last i spoke with the folks who owned the rights, they told me if i could give them a list of 350 names – people interested in owning the movie on DvD – they would see about pressing it and taking it to market. that was done with a week. six years later, two outlets offer the […]