yeshes.online

home earlier than expect, i sit here and ponder ‘life in general’. spoke with Reza today. he and his fiance are safely esconced in an apartment in Philadelphia. he asked when i would come visit. i told him when i could afford the ticket. further discussion found me in something of an inquisition. i don’t think he realises how strapped i am, even with the recent raise (which, alas, doesn’t pan out to much after the increase in taxes. bleh.). it was a strange feeling… to justify my situation. i’m still without furniture but for the frame for the bed. […]

it passes. i am absurdly relieved. for a moment, i contemplate the nature of hormonal change and the reality that, regardless what i would prefer, nature still has entirely too much hold… and sigh. cleaned the apartment today. i think i scared the kittens. so many things strewn about to explore and now, all of it put away. they didn’t quite know what to do with the space. last i checked, they were both sitting quietly in the corner of the living room, curled up together, eyes like owls, blinking slowly. heh. tomorrow, today i suppose, i go to spend […]

ever have one of those days when it seems everything that can possibly go wrong, does? that’s my day today. it began with a fight with my boss over a suggestion made. it continued with a call from my daughter in which it is discovered that a common test has returned abnormal results. of course, she is laid up for at least another week due to the recent surgery, so cannot followup until then. add to this that her insurance carrier is denying her coverage as it seems a previous such test ALSO returned abnormal results and she failed to […]

a reminder i set to myself, words of an old friend, drifting at distance: “so it is that a human soul, once loved deeply, can in absence become a presence as strong as when alive, and all the more mysteriously vibrant for it; and the steady pressure that such an active absence exerts on us to live up to its vision can bring us sometimes to tears, and sometimes to greatness. we have felt this in the inspirations we have gained from our grandfathers and grandmothers, from friends and lovers, from teachers and artists who have passed from our lives…” […]

i am mildly astonished how peaceful i am in this moment. somewhere in the last two days, i’ve lost the anvil and almost all the related feelings. perhaps it is merely a temporary lull, but i try not to question it too closely. the relief in it is a thing i would prefer to savor a time. stars. am i working my way toward happiness in life? what a concept. (chuckle) last night somewhat of my own effort to closure, a thing that was found last week in the virtual world but was not yet made real in the real […]

home at last. a long day. the morning was an early one, up at 5am to be able to travel cross-town in time to meet her at the surgery center by 7am for pre-op checkup. she arrived with her fella, they hugged in the parking lot and then he was off to work. casually dressed, i noted with a small chuckle the ample shirt. pre-planning. i smiled and we hugged before going inside. the checkup process didn’t take long, and, as expected, her nerves set in at about the time they prepped her with the i.v. — spasm of anxiety […]

well, tomorrow is the ‘big day’ for the daughter. we meet at 7am at the surgery center and by 10am, she’ll be in recovery and very likely in pain. i get to help her into the truck and drive her to her apartment, then sit with her as she rests… see to it that she doesn’t raise her arms, doesn’t roll over, stays elevated, etc. it is going to be a real learning experience for her. i hate that it will be a hard lesson. she’s going to have to return for surgeries every five years until she gets tired […]

woke up this morning feeling refreshed and rejuvenated on many levels. yesterday was something of a watershed day, and things on both personal and professional levels begin to turn to new and better things. i find myself wishing i could talk more about my work here. but it is impossible without speaking to things that i am obligated to keep silent upon until much later. but oh, what enjoyment it is to write for this company and create new worlds and the stories of the people and places contained in it. i feel very blessed indeed to have found this […]

i’ve been thinking about it, and i decide you are wrong. you are wrong to say i’m still that little girl ‘just like you’re that little boy’. i almost let you get away with it. silly of me, really. in every moment, you have been and remain that little boy. self-centered. self-absorbed. all things must be your way or the highway, and anyone who in any way indicates other than whole-hearted acceptance of it is to be ignored, turned from, abandoned. in every instance, you are the first one to cry mercy… yelping like a wounded puppy and insisting you […]

sleep helps. some. i am always angry with myself after breaking down. why should i? undeserved pain. that’s why. but why angry with myself? as if i could control it? as if i could choose? silly rabbit, emotions are not always controllable. i sigh. still angry with myself. trying to learn kindness for myself, but it isn’t easy when i let myself be hoodwinked like i have in this. bleh. more later. will be late for work if i don’t head out now.