Now that the house is lost and the realities of my health are settling in, I find I’m actually glad to have the space in which to just… breathe. I’m so proud of J and how well he’s held up during everything that I don’t quite know how best to say it… I’ll just say it the way I said it to him, “You are my real life hero; the only person who is there for me exactly the same as I am for you.”
It’s a really good feeling to have that in life. I spent quite some time thinking I never would or, worse, that the only way I ever could was to put myself on every back burner that ever presented itself. So it had always been… how do you realize something isn’t normal if that’s all you’ve ever known? Yeah, it took time and repeated examples, more than it might normally take because I’m stubborn and I don’t like giving up on anything, especially people.
But, eventually, even I realized that at the rate things continued to go, there are some for whom there will never be a time when it would be “ok” to think of myself first.
Mind you, this was far from an overnight decision; it took me a few years to really frame the issues for myself, a few more to explore trying to get any empathy or compromise on them, still more to slowly realize it wasn’t going to change until I did more than talk about it.
It makes me sad that it seems no one of my “blood relations” actually listens or tries to understand until it’s a crisis… I’ve always thought that to be a fairly overt demonstration of exactly how someone perceives the “dynamics” of the relationship; frankly, it’s my own fault for putting up with it when I’ve known all along it is terribly damaging emotionally for all involved.
That’s not who I care to be, particularly to people for whom I profess to have care, right?
Also, frankly, I’m fucking TIRED. Only a very, very few people actually know just how much of life’s matted, shit-smeared ass I’ve experienced (and that’s perfectly ok), but I’m not about to let anyone get the impression that I have ANY interest in having more than one “tour” of that mess to my name.
It’s time to have some peace in my life. Those who can be as much TO me as they ask OF me are welcome. Pretty simple, really.
For me, in this moment, that means J, my brother-from-another-mother, C, former colleague and fellow PNWer, D, and of course, myself!
Guess it really is true that as time passes, you become more deeply aware that quantity just can’t make up for quality, that you’re just not as willing to sacrifice as you used to be, and the fastest way to sieve that interest is to insist it’s “owed” and not a gift.
Actually, I’m beginning to realize that pretty much my entire life has been everyone (previously exclusions remain) making demands… and no one being very willing to realize that, like any human, there’s only so much of me I can hand away and still “be me”… or function.
2018 seems to be the year of closure and I find myself looking forward to both Autumn and to the end of the latest triad of tribulations.
ObHaiku:
Cloud of dense, dark thoughts,
Fall is a fair, short, sweet word,
Smile for winds of change.